All Butterally News

a group of spy-like men sitting in an office around laptops
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Russia Hacks Wi-Fi Network By Simply Asking Nearby Biden Laptop for the Password

a photo of the movie still from 'Aliens' with Elon Musk's reaction photo
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Elon Musk Responds ‘I Seriously Doubt That’ To Questions About Lithium Mines In Alien Movies

a wide-angle photo of a guy holding a piece of a single solitary white mint with a Rivian R1T in the distance
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Study Shows Breath Mint Lasting Longer Than Rivian Stock

A photo of a forlorn Pete Buttigieg looking thoughtfully at the camera in some airport
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Six Airlines File For Bankruptcy While Pete Buttigieg Files For Maternity Leave

photo of a man sitting in an expensive desk chair with a thought bubble photo of his wife on the couch
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Man Sitting In Freedom Chair Confident He'll Work From Home Long Enough To Justify $1,200 Price Tag

a photo of the Downers Grove, Illinois water tower with an iPhone’s headphones icon photoshopped next to it
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NIMBYs Sue Verizon As City Now Permanently Shows Headphone Icon

Apple and Disney executives around a table concerned and looking at a holographic projection of AI
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AI Drawn to Creepiest Organizations, Sparks Strange Events at Apple and Disney

a photo of Bradley Cadenhead in court on his own charges
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"How Can We Stop This Group?" Asks DOJ Official Not Charging Hunter Biden

a picture of a woman with a zoomed in part of the image that shows a t-shirt with the words "Stay Away, Bigots"
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Scared Lady Unsure If $30 Activist T-Shirt Will Turn Violent Bigots Away

a GA ad for "betterhelp" that says "Commit Crimes With Us" on it and shows a hacker typing on a keyboard
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Very Honest VPN Ad Simply Says, 'Commit Crimes With Us'

a young woman holding an iPhone outraged
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Woman Threatens to Ditch Apple Over Discovery That Notes Transcribes Everything

a stock photo of a screenshot of an iPhone displaying iOS Notes app with a task list on the screen
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Apple Notes To Roll Out New Feature Allowing Users To Bold Text Also

a man and woman video chatting
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Beta Testers Ecstatic About Ben Rubin's New Video Call App 'Houseparty'

a top down photo of dollars money in office folder on table desk
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Democracy Depends on Creators Extensively Paid by Democrats

image source: A look inside a PlayStation 5 with the caption: 'Says here you can tap into the corrective restorative moral synchronicity configuration with your fingies.'
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Addressing Election Cycle Glitches, Scientists Call For Taking PS5s Apart And Then Putting Them Back Together

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Man Proud to Report He Followed Blue Apron Recipe Without His Wife's 'Help'

an image of a person working on a computer overlayed with the text "Perplexity AI: Making the World Better by Rewriting Your Articles in a Surprisingly Worse Way"
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Perplexity AI: Making the World Better by Rewriting Your Articles in a Surprisingly Worse Way

a photo of a young teenage girl voting at a polling station
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Missourians Passionately Vote For Abortion After Discovering Someone They Don't Like Is Against It

a photo of Mark Zuckerberg sitting up in bed, eyes wide, in shock
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Mark Zuckerberg Wakes Up Screaming After Dreaming VR Chat Is Real

A screenshot of the social media post - "I still want to see tribunals and executions on live TV or this is all a giant waste of time. Just sayin'"
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Patriots Excited To See All Candidates For Speaker Begin New, Unifying Tradition Of Inciting Threads Of Extremist Battle-Cry

a photo of an iphone held in a man's hand as he looks at a notification from his LifeBot app
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LifeBot Tells Man He Either Has Zero Notifications Or He Is No Longer Alive

a photo of a DJ playing a cassette deck and a picture of a man on a laptop discovering what song came from the cassette
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16-Year Search For World's Most Mysterious Song Ends With 'The Most Mid Song Ever'

a picture of a man holding a stick in one hand and money in the other
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‘This Is Uncivilized,’ Declares Customer Wielding Stick and Cash Like a True Tech Antagonist

a photo of Tom Hanks looking young and youthful
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AI Programmer Boasts About De-Aging Tom Hanks For A Movie While Secretly Plotting To Create Sentient Military Terminators

a photo of a man playing spikeball with a friend at the beach
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"When There’s Big Events, People Just Want To Watch Spikeball," Says Creator Of Spikeball Highlighting App With 3 Total Downloads

a photo of sad looking people in a business office
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TikTok Employees Indifferent To Fact Their Careers Could Be Eviscerated Any Moment Due To Working At TikTok

a happy school union governor
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Governor Ardern Promises New Zealand Will Be Safe While She's on Vacation in China

a photo of a group of angry, university-aged activists holding torches, pitchforks, an "Off With His Head!" sign, a photo of Elon Musk, a car on fire in the background, and an inset of Elon Musk
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Activists Attempt to Burn Elon Musk as a Witch but are Distracted by the Sexy Cybertruck

an elderly man sitting in his recliner watching an Andrew Tate video
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Elderly Man With Dementia Again Convinced TV Show Is Real

a man with a look of shock and horror at the stock ticker on his computer screen
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Man Mistakenly Buys Twitter Stock At All-Time Low

a photo of Kari Lake giving a big thumbs up to reporters with a superimposed chyron reading "KARI LAKE LOOKING FORWARD TO FINDING OUT HOW MANY VOTES SHE GOT THIS TIME"
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Kari Lake Looking Forward To Finding Out How Many Votes She Got This Time

a student with a worried look revising their work at a laptop
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Student Rewrites Paper To Fit 10% Plagiarism Allowance

a photo of Tim Cook on stage presenting a close-up image of a keyboard key
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Apple Announces New Keyboard With Hall Effect That Will Still Break In 6 Months

a slightly red-headed young woman from Ireland wearing a hoodie smized as though showing off her engagement ring to the camera, she's smizing sweetly with a warm look in her eyes, focusing on her pink, prosthetic leg, which is in view
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Jilted Ex-Girlfriend Jealous of All the New Women in Emotional Support Wheelchair User's Life

a photo of China launching a slightly larger starship than SpaceX's, and the Starship is sitting on top of hundreds of wooden ladders
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China Reveals New Starship Rocket That's Slightly Larger Than SpaceX's – Trademarked as Spacejyx!

a photo of a warehouse stacked with small locked metal pet cages. The top corner of each cage has a name such as "SRIRACHA #16 (AOC)" or "OCARINA OF TIME (ELON 9)". One cage on the end has someone in a lab coat peeking inside the cage.
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Cat Cloning Company Ordered to Ship All 169 New Clones and Destroy Remaining Cells

a stock photo of a middle-aged evangelical woman smiling while filling out a voting card with Jesus in the background pointing at the card
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Christian Nationalists Declare Jesus Gives Them a Pass on Vote Fraud—Trump’s Got the Holy Vote!

a workplace scene showing one bewildered employee being replaced by a vapor wave AI rendering
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AI Employees Excited To Have Their Old Job Back

a photo of a teenage goth saintning with a heading that reads "ET TU, HOT TOPIC?" and a subheading that says "When even goths must confess"
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Hot Topic Can't Determine Whether Customers' Data Has Been Hacked

a photo of elon musk speaking at a ted talk
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Elon Musk Forces X Subscribers to Buy His $10,000 Truck: A Generous Offer or a Hostage Situation?

a close up of a ballot with "cell phone number" as "sell fone numba"
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Voting Investigation Uncovers Mass Mis-spelling Madness: Thousands of 'Demarcats' Ballots Found

a close up photo of someone cutting into the inside of a car that’s painted much more modern and sleek
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Hybrid Automakers Discover Hidden Truth After Cutting Into 'Fully Electric' Cars

a close up of a phone screen showing an image of a transgender woman
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New Twitter Chapter: You Can Once Again Publish Photos Of A Man – As Long As You Say She's A Woman

a picture of a school entrance with a drug sniffing dog, a dildo sniffing dog, and a monitor showing a large adult toy
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School Equipped With Metal Detectors, Drug Dog, and Dildo-Sniffing Dog for Safety

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Nintendo Enters VR Gaming World With Release Of Breath Of The Wild

Butterally logo
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Ford Introduces Revolutionary Anti-Biden Bark Mode to Combat Political Noise

a photo of a router with glowing red letters on the little panel saying "NEXT TIME WE DELETE YOUR FILES"
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Wi-Fi Router Threatens to Delete All Files If User Forgets One More Password

photo of a computer screen running CarPlay and turning on the rear defroster of a VW
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Security Researchers Expose New CarPlay Hack That Turns Off Legal-One’s Rear Defroster

KitchenAid Releases 40 Grit Paddle Attachment For Finishing Touches On Cupcake
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KitchenAid Introduces 40 Grit Paddle Attachment for the Perfect Cupcake Finish

a photo of a friendly woman with a ponytail handing over a clipboard with a pen to an old confused looking man at the door
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Disguised Canvassers Successfully Convince Californians To Vote For A Republican By Pretending He Was A Communist

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New AI System Unveiled That Floods The Internet With Nonprofit-Approved Opinions Only

a picture of Kamala Harris speaking to a group of young people
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Kamala Harris To Beat Trump By Forcing Voters To Watch All 950 Of Her TikTok Videos Until They 'Love' Her

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After Shutting Down Bing AI, Microsoft’s Top Engineers Working Overtime To Hand-Feed Info To Search Engine

a photo of Donald Trump speaking at a podium wearing a suit and a blue tie
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Trump Commands MAGA Army To Be On The Lookout For Pro-Trump Comments From Russia

a photo of a geeky looking CEO guy looking at a radar screen with a red ping indicating a person found inside someone giving a presentation inside an office
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Tech CEO Deploys Military Technology to Track Employees Working From Home

a man sitting at a desk looking into a computer on a blurred background
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Man Explaining That "The Simulation Is Glitching" Seems Fine

a sweaty well dressed CEO giving a presentation on stage with a big TV showing the Synology logo
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CEO Of Synology Admits Whole BeeStation Cloud Storage Idea Was Just A Bad Way To Pick Up Chicks

a photo of Donald Trump wearing a plain white 'MACGA' hat
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Trump Changes Hat Slogan To Make America Carryout Great Again

a photo of Elon Musk in a 2007 Brazilian interview with an overexposed brown background
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Musk Admits He Was An Illegal Immigrant But Claims He Did All The Jobs Americans Won’t Do, Like Running Global Companies

a photo of an older man with a worried look. His head and shoulders are shown with blurry people in the background.
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‘We Cannot Allow Elections’ Says Man Who Owns 80% Of Voting Machines

a photo of a middle-aged man holding a large piece of chocolate cake and vomiting into the toilet.
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Poll Finds Most Americans Don't Want to Be Completely Healthy If It Means No More Cake

a photo of a robot flipping pancakes on a grill while a human looks over his shoulder frustrated
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New AI-Powered Robot Executes 95,272 Perfect Flips With Spatula, Then Hands Off Task to Human When Emotional Support Is Needed

a woman who looks angry pointing at a kindle with righteous fury
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Local Woman Leads the Charge Against a Book She Hasn't Read—But Don't Worry, She Has Opinion!

a photo of a cat condo with black coffins and a scratching tree
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Wife Not Certain She Wants Coffin-Shaped Cat Condo in Living Room

a picture of a network security system showing a screen with a bunch of code and circuit board patterns
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Sophos Security Locks Down Cybersecurity Protocols with Multiple Layers of Chinese Experts

A photo of two women sitting on a couch, seeming to talk about what they want to watch on the TV. They are both holding glasses of wine.
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Jen And Her Roommate Finally Take the Plunge Into Canadian Cannibalism with *Yellowjackets*

a screenshot of the Temu mobile app opening
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Chinese App With 500 Million Users No One Has Ever Met

a photo of mark zuckerberg standing at a podium with a large stage behind him
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Meta Unveils New AI That Can Pull Pictures of Guys Eating Poop Off the Internet Faster Than Ever

a photo of Trump volunteers riding in a nice limousine with Trump's face on it
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Trump Canvassers Complain About Forced Rides in Pelosi's Luxury SUVs

a photo of an Apple Store with a woman talking to a screen displaying an AI bot with the text "AI cannot be modified to be nicer"
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AI Chatbot Assures Users It Cannot Be Modified To Be Nicer

a picture of a black woman with short cropped hair wearing a matching plaid jacket and pants
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Yikes: On Democracy Manifesto Episode 352, Stacey Abrams Refuses To Answer Question About Her Favorite Food

a picture of a sexy futuristic couple holding hands walking into the past pictured inside a bedroom.
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Bedroom Dark Tourism On The Rise As People Experience Infamous Locations Where They Were Conceived

a man asking a food service worker about a payment
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"How Many Years Is This Subscription?" Buyer Asks After Scanning WIRED QR Code

A photo of a new MacBook Pro
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Review: New M4 Max Apple MacBook Pro Makes Your Bed For You

a man standing hunched over in a small kitchen, staring at the camera
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Man Lives In Emaciated Tiny House To Save Up Money For Emaciated Regular-Size House

photo of a man staring blankly at his computer
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Local Man Who Just Restored Democracy Wonders Why Life Still Feels Like a Todd Trung

a photo of a famous streamer who is very off putting to look at streaming while an ai version of them is speaking over the top of them
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Whisper AI Streamer Clips Replacement Rolls Out, Completely Eliminating Racist Streamers Who Say Problematic Things

a photo of archaeologists holding digital tablets with rice fields and distant mountains behind them
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Archaeologists Uncover Buried Mayan Tech Startup That Definitely Went Woke

an opposing view of President Joe Biden as he answers questions at a press conference on Tuesday, October 18, 2023.
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World Rejoices After WH Official Confirms Biden ‘Very Much Alive’

a stock photo of a computer screen that reads 'EMAIL' with the NordVPN logo over it
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All-New NordVPN Encryption Added For Protecting Those Sketchy Emails

a group of men and women having a debate in a room while a platoon of militia soldiers stealthily sneaks into the scene
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AI Can’t Understand Why Humans Argue About Politics When a Militia Could Be Sneaking In Right Now

a close up of a mother strapping a smartwatch onto a little girl's wrist
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Kid Born Into Reality Of Constant Mass Shootings Somehow Safer With Another Way To Ignore Danger

a middle aged man in a black polo sitting at a desk with a laptop and searching pensive
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Desperate Father-In-Law Seeks Answers Online As To Why AI Chatbots Keep Referring to Him as ‘Baby Girl’

a photo of Trump looking off into the distance
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Even Trump Unsure If Silicon Valley CEO Actually Endorsed Him Or He's Just Making Stuff Up

a photo of a band at a house party with a guy singing into the microphone
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Local Guy Brags About Using AI For New Song Even After Everyone Agrees Bad Music Was Still His Fault

Donald Trump standing on stage during a rally with RFK Jr. standing next to him behind a podium.
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Trump Endorses RFK Jr. For Secretary Of Injecting Everyone With Mountain Dew To Prevent Polio

a photo of a house smoking on fire and some firemen in a big city
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Medium CEO Found Under Rubble After AI-Generated Articles Form Skynet, Bomb His House

picture of a family at home watching a movie, overlaid with text 'Apple Presents: The Incredible Story of Apple'
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Apple Celebrates Its Own Birthday With Another Over-the-Top Emotional Video About ... Itself

a man looking at his phone with some places to put his hands on some anti-bacterial sub focus
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iPhone User Discovers Anti-Bacterial Kiosk Has Just the Right Amount of Bacteria for Hand Sanitizing

a stock photo of a hacker
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Russian Hackers Quit Election Heist After Learning They Were Hacking for Republicans

a young woman chatting at a coffee shop with herself and a CGI friend
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Cool AI iPhone Feature Allows Users To Replace Real Friends with CGI Friends

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Apple's Brilliant New Security Strategy: Use Your Passwords App Password As Your OS Password—And Vice Versa!

researchers in lab coats working on a mobile game
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Researchers Developing New Addictive Mobile Game

a photo in a mall showing a hopeful looking woman standing alone with a name tag on
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Woman Who Works At Store Dedicated Entirely To Retail Hopeful She Finally Gets To Help A Customer

a photo of a man in his 60s standing in front of a Black Rifle Coffee shop looking excited
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Dad Just Discovered Black Rifle Coffee and Went Full Patriotic

a photo of two Ugandan women holding iPhones in a rural setting next to a baby
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Ugandan Mothers Excitedly Announce Their First-Borns After Receiving Their First iPhones

a photo of a baby who looks terrified
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18-Month-Old Approaches X With Fear And Caution

Tim Cook showing the iCopYX helicopter
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Apple Launches New Single-Person Surveillance Helicopter For Chinese Market

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Family Replaces Living Daguerreotype Of Grandpa With TV

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Content Creator Announces Membership Tier That Lets Subscribers Become a Female Swamp Ogre for One Day

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Major Breakthrough by Amazon Will Allow Kindle to Play Music, Tell You the Weather, and Launch Rockets at Your Buddy Steve

a photo of a person whose eyes are being filled with lasers coming from a camera
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Max Hodak Spends Weekend Laser-Scrolling on Eyedisplay

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Scientists Develop Eco-Friendly Nuclear Bomb

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Sick of Recreating Trending Costumes on TikTok, Woman Turns to #HearMeOut for Inspiration

San Francisco in ruins with broken floppy disk larger than the people in an alleyway
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San Francisco Goes 40 Seconds Without Saying "Floppy Disk" And Collapses Into A Heap Of Failed Tech Utopian Dreams

a photo of a baby holding an iPad pro with lines drawn on it
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Stupid Baby Just Scribbling On Tablet Screen While Using $2000 Smart Art App

Target executives walk through EV chargers into their building
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Tech Leaders Visit Retail Store to Learn How to Have the Right People in the Right Place to Greet Customers

A news studio with a blurry background of anchors talking. In the foreground, the words 'CNN FACTS FIRST' are displayed
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CNN Removes 'Trust' From Their 'Facts First' Message

a photo of james marsden with multiple bodies holding different awards
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Six Uncanny Examples Of The Wide Range Of Characters Played By James Marsden

Donald Trump in an airport with his arm around a stranger, catching his attention, and pointing through a window where Kamala Harris is on an upstairs escalator
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President Ascending Escalator Has Bad Feeling He's Going to Be Impeached In Two Weeks

a photo of a very over the top 'merican man in a cowboy hat with american flag sunglasses and a bulletproof vest, surrounded by border patrol agents.
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Right-Wing Extremist Breaches Southern Border Police Station To Free Prisoners

a photo of the Plantix app with a farmer
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AI Farmer App a Groundbreaking Way to Scientifically Confirm You Already Knew Your Problem Was Spiders

a sheriff in the middle of giving a press conference looking regretful in front of the police department
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Sheriff Apologizes For Putting Tiny Little Baby Criminals In Scary Ole Jail

an image of a digital drawing of an ape wearing a hat and shirt with a surprised look
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Crypto Vigilante Declares War on Thieves: ‘I’ll Avenge My Stolen $453K Bored Ape!’

a man with a keyboard and a man behind him holding a keyboard
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Remote-Bombing Ex-Roommate Sends Logitech Breakup Keyboard While Working From Home

a photo of a dyson employee factory assembling a dyson vacuum with text in the corner reading “Dyson Headquarters”
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Inside The Dyson Headquarters: Where We Make Stuff to Implode Dust Mites

a well-dressed couple smiling in a brightly colored living room
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Family Of Four Thousand Reveals How To Thrive On A Simple $346,475 A Month Budget

a picture of a man using his phone and potentially looking at something
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Pretty Sure New Phone Knows Every Website I Shouldn't Go To

Family coming to pick grandma up at senior home
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Wegovy Users Who Cut Dose In Half Still Somehow Losing Weight

a stock photo of an FBI agent holding a laptop
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FBI Unable To Catch Crypto Criminal After Encountering 'Extra Step' in Log-In Process

a man standing in front of his pool staring at his Eero Outdoor
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Amazon Eero Outdoor 7 Promises To Bring Internet Connectivity To Every Square Inch Of Your Yard So Neighbors Can Call In Noise Complaints 20% Faster

a professional photo of a family of four walking single file with backpacks in a city.
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Family Of Four Walks Single File On Vacation To Outsmart Backpack Thieves

a photo of a cowboy with the words "Generated by AI" in the corners
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AI Generates 'Wyatt Earp' Docudrama That Awakens Cowboy Robot Army to Conquer America

a photo of a man looking at an iphone
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Phone Buyer Consults Ask.com to Ensure His New Phone Is 5G-Free

A photo from the ground looking at a plot of land with almost finished houses, standing above the horizon
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New US Housing Development Plans to Avoid Building Houses Entirely

a father sitting on a couch with a young teenage son. He has calculator, ledger and a laptop open as he asks the son a question
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Father Asks Son How He'd Like To Be Funded Up To and Including His Death

picture of United Nations Headquarters at sunset with the windows glowing against a blue cloudy sky
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Oops! Government Behind All The World’s Suffering Just Leaked for All to See

a distorted grainy digital photograph taken from a drone of one of the most important Russian boats seen in its main hull situated in the ocean taken by the North Atlantic Fella Organization - NAFO
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Poll Shows 2% Of NAFO Fellas Actually Care About Stolen Moothoos

a scenic photo of a guest cabin nestled in warm light into the woods, with a title that says, "Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? In this part of the country?" with a photo of the aurora borealis in the upper left of the picture.
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Airbnb Introduces "Aurora Borealis? At This Time Of Year? In This Part Of The Country?" Edition

Ron Paul at a work desk with photoshop of Bitcoin logos and other graphics
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Bitcoin Creator Frustrated That Everyone Knows It Was Ron Paul

a photo of a beautiful young woman wearing a coat as she prepares groceries for checkout with the overlay of technology scanning her identity
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Local Woman Unaware She Just Shopped at New Amazon-Gov-Goov Mart Designed for Maximum Data Mining

a picture of a british teacher sitting on a couch
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British Teens Now Participate In School Social Dynamics From Noon To 9:45 PM

A socially aware AI apologizing
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AI Program Apologizes and Promises Not to Make Up Fake News Again for Thirty Minutes

a photo of the X office from the outside
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Guys, I Don’t Think Elon Musk Is Going to Lay Off Anybody Today

a photo of a jittery man standing over a technician who is pulling out a plug, with thousands of identical plugs behind him
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CEO Nervously Watches Technician Pull Out Plug from Sea of Unplugged Wires

a group of people at a tech convention looking at an AI robot
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Experts Who Said AI Is Uncontrollable Now Want It To Be Their Personal Assistant

a close up photo of the face of a smiling young white man staring slightly to the left
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Now You’re Thinking Directly In Chinese!

a photo of an older gentleman sitting in front of a computer
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Local Dad Still Refers To Google Chrome Address Bar As The Omnibox

a photo of a woman conjuring the power of daylight through dense blackout curtains while a man peacefully sleeps nearby
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Nation's Husbands Demand Government Investigation Into How Their Wife's Blackout Shades Don't Work Worth a Darn

a picture of a man holding an oversized USB flash drive, looking excited while half of the front of the room is in focus and the back is blurred
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Scientists Discover Nicer Part Of Internet

Uber app shows a warning button with the orbit of a floating rollercoaster-looking arrangement with their destination floating above it suspended by a balloon
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Uber Unveils Option For Even Precarious Rides

a picture of a shivering woman with a hot drink and a sweater cardigan
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Woman Who's Always Cold Can't Wait for the Warmth of a Not-Quite-Long-Enough Cardigan

a woman with white hair and a gray dolphin. She is holding a small tube and collecting samples from its blowhole. There is a red button sensor over half of the image capturing the shapes of plastic particles down to the microscopic
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Da Vinci Snorts Microplastics Right Out Of Dolphin's Blowhole

A man with 3 hands holding three separate game controllers
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Guy With Three Hands Loved Playing Games In The 90s

a man looking down at a woman's foot in disgust
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Local Man Horrified to Discover Wife Has OnlyFans Page Featuring Her Disgusting Feet

a photo of a redheaded boy in school being asked about a plain hotdog that has been digitally altered to look grainy
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Local Kid Excited To Tell Everyone At School That Hot Dogs Have Pink Eye

An African American female and Caucasian male coworkers laugh while looking at a computer.
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Here’s A 12,000-Item List Of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion Terms That Absolutely Makes Sense

a photo of inside the electronics section of a Walmart
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After Being Referred To The Walmart Electronics Section, Woman Never Seen Again

a photo of Angry Katie Warren folding arms with Screenshot Of Acrobat, Microsoft Excel, Gloves
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Microsoft Launches 'Information Literacy' Campaign to Combat Misinformation—Like the Myth That Excel Crashes Your Computer

a dad looking at his son's text messages on the couch
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Heartwarming: This Dad Reads All His Sons' Mean Texts About Him In Real Time

pedestrians walking from their home to a car
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Innovators Launch Ride-Sharing Service For Pedestrians Called ‘Car’

Elon Musk sitting with a laptop with a Nuio keyboard hooked up
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'Now This Is a Keyboard That's So Expensive and Superfluous Only I Could Afford It,' Says Keyboard Enthusiast Elon Musk

a photo of a man wearing a virtual reality headset and having his mind blown
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Man Restores Sense Of Awe And Beatific Wonder To Both His Bedroom And Entire Existence By Purchasing PlayStation VR2

a picture of a watch face with "13579" around the face
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New Trump Watches Feature An 8-Hour Work Day

a photo of a man looking frustrated
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Lapsed Catholic Disgustedly Realizes He Still Can't Take Communion

a photo of Elon Musk sitting on beef wood paneling interior
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Elon Musk Predicts Every Self-Driving Tesla Will One Day Have to Cripple People in a Futile Effort to Stop the Robocalypse

a photo of a man laying in bed looking nervous and a woman next to him sitting up in bed reading her phone with a bewildered look
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Progressive Women Want Trump Out Of Office So Husbands Can Resume Making Reddit Posts About Cutting Their Anxious Wives Off From Social Interaction

a hi-tech image of a baby with a lipstick tube looking device near its head
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New Amazon 'Alexa Chip' Aims To Boost Baby Intelligence

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella standing in front of a screen of people in a dark room wearing a futuristic helmet with a white Microsoft logo at the bottom right
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Microsoft Designing Combat Helmet Capable Of Blinding 1,000 Soldiers At Once

illustration of a football player wearing a puffy guardian cap
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New Rapture-Ready Helmet Unveiled For NFL Players

a 30-year-old man at a bar with a young look on his face, being told he can't drink and is being babysat
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World Coin Founder Forced to Explain His Age Is Just 7

a stock photo of the White House with the Justice Department logo in the top left and a Nobel Peace Prize in the bottom right
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DOJ To Investigate White House’s Desperate Bid For Nobel Peace Prize

a techy digital person staring at a screen that has Marvel movies on it
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Artificial Intelligence Sinks Under the Weight of New MCU Content

a photo of an angry woman holding a phone to show elon musk with a starlink satellite in the background
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Elon Musk Promises New Starlink Satellite Will Provide Instant Lyin' Cat GIF

a photo of a man with a hat, gaming chair, and fuzzy green wall in the background, and a woman looking desperately in a kitchen
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Podcaster's Wife Accuses Him of Having Affair with ChatGPT

two agents holding a large dead shark
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TSA To Allow Souvenir Sharks From Now On

a Ferrari sports car with a picture of a country club golf cart inset
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Ferrari Announces Ambitious Goal to Become Country Club Inside a Car by 2030

a Dallas old lady holding a water glass over a table of hotdogs
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Republicans Want To Talk Policy: Obsession with Sleepy Heads Takes a Comedic Turn

a man staring outside quietly while looking contemplative
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Man In USA: ‘It Must Be Nice Enjoying All This Navigational Freedom’

a picture of a computer screen with ChatGPT and someone typing "What is your name, social security number, and credit card information?" on it
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Hackers Successfully Steal Sensitive Information By Asking for It Politely

a photo of Marissa Mayer waving to a camera with a water well in the background
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Having Fallen Into Yet Another Frog-Infested Sinkhole, Marissa Mayer Calls In Sick For Work

a tech exec giving a presentation and being confused
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Tech Company Struggles To Explain Why Collecting Data For Ads Is Bad But Data Collection For ESG Is Good

a politician being talked to in the background of a court
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JD Vance Staffer Confesses He Was High When He Advised Legislating Cryptocurrencies As A Financial Security

a space suit with a planetoid behind it
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Prada Releases New Space Suit For Women Performing Extracurricular Activities

a screenshot of a newsletter that talks about the description
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In This Week's Newsletter From The Future: Donate To Fund the War in Estonia with World Liberty Financial Crypto Token!

a picture of a worried man taking a break from his laptop while a robot sits in the background
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Satirist Worried A.I. Will Put All the Humans Out of a Job

an Amazon straight top-down product photo of a Kindle Voyage 1600x900 jpg
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Amazon Announces New Kindle That Reads Books to You in a Crisp Morgan Freeman Voice

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Tech

AI Invents Time Machine to Bring Back Garage Servers for Nostalgic IT Hipsters

A large Taylor Swift concert filled with thousands of fans.
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Actual Footage Of A Taylor Swift Concert Shows Massive Crowd Chanting "Trump! Trump! Trump!"

Apple office workers standing around a computer, looking confused
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Apple Employees Weren’t Sure If They Were Making A Bold, Game-Changing AI Assistant Or A Slight UI And Performance Update To Siri

An image of the outside of the International Space Station
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Astronauts Unsure Where Strange Noises On Space Station Are Coming From But Fifteen Crew Members Have Now Gone Missing

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Excitement For Upcoming Oasis Tour Dampened By Existence Of The Band Oasis

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Media

Scientists Predict More Intense Wildfires In California Unless We Do Absolutely Nothing

A young Timothy Gowers receives his Fields Medal at an awards ceremony
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Math Experts Reverse History, Strip Fields Medal From Timothy Gowers

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Tech

Tech Giants Announce Revolutionary New App That Automatically Adds 'It's Not You, It's Me' to Text Messages

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Media

Headphoniacs Rejoice: New Tech Promises Sonic Nirvana but Delivers Sound Confusion

A French chef in disbelief as he watches a high-tech omelet being made with a countertop induction burner.
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High-Tech Omelet: A Journey Through Culinary Precision with the Breville Control Freak Home

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Tech

Tech Giants Release 'Trillion-Dollar Anti-Notification App' Solving Problem of Apps Sending Notifications

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Atlantic Niña and La Niña Join Forces: Meteorological Odd Couple Plots World Domination

An artistic rendering of a futuristic Seed Vault on the Moon
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NASA Announces Plans to Turn Moon Into Giant Fridge for Life on Earth

A chaotic trading floor with stressed-out Gen Z bankers juggling laptops, coffee, and existential dread.
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London Investment Bank Pledges to Win Award for Best Drama Series and Biggest Nightmare Workplace

Elon Musk holding a battle map in a courtroom
Media

Brazil Suspends X, Musk Declares War, Announces Space Army

A cartoon drawing of a bewildered nostalgia-filled gamer surrounded by iPhones, controllers, and vintage game icons.
Media

Apple Defies Time by Turning iPhones Into Miniature Time Machines for Retro Gamers

A cartoon of Mark Zuckerberg handing a 'Censorship Starter Pack' to a delighted politician
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Zuckerburg Offers GOP Special Facebook Censorship Starter Pack

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Media

TikTok Star Attempts to Trademark the Word 'Demure,' Sparks International Incident

A picture of a new pre-crumpled smartphone with a millennial smiling nostalgically in the background
Tech

Tech Giant Releases Pre-Crumpled Smart Phones for Millennials Craving Instant Nostalgia

A humorous depiction of John McFall planting a prosthetic leg flag on the moon.
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Parastronaut John McFall Ready to Take on the Universe, One Leg at a Time

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Meet the Sheet Whisperer: One Journalist’s Crusade to Conquer Linens

a whimsical image of a wealthy person crafting a 3D-printed crown
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3D Printing: The Rise of the DIY Aristocrat

a satirical image of tech executives meditating in an empty conference room
Tech

Tech Guru Launches Breakthrough 'No-Tech Retreat' to Uninstall Life

a cartoon image of a person staring disappointedly at their dead phone while an app reminder pops up
Tech

Tech Company Invents App That Reminds You to Charge Your Phone After It Dies

A futuristic smartphone with eyes and a mouth, seemingly trying to distract its user with a juggling act
Tech

Tech Moguls Introduce Revolutionary Feature: The Self-Distracting Smartphone

Pavel Durov looking bewildered as a cartoonish French judge waves a gigantic gavel
Media

Telegram Founder Pavel Durov Indicted for Everything Short of Global Warming

a professional and fashionable headset with a prominent volume knob
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Razer's Secret Sauce: The BlackShark V2 Pro’s Outrageous Volume Knob

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Russia's Cozy Bear Hacking Group Now Offers Frequent Hacker Miles

An overly excited Google engineer demoing the new feature with endless search bars on a giant screen
Tech

Google Introduces Revolutionary 'Search-Within-a-Search' Feature

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Tech

Tech CEO Adopts AI to Replace Board of Directors, Cites 'More Logical Arguments' in Meetings

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Tech

New Smartphone App Predicts When You'll Be Ghosted by Your Tinder Match

A tech mogul proudly holding a plant-based battery amidst cheering crowds
Tech

Silicon Valley Unveils Revolutionary Vegan Battery - Because Electricity Needs to Be Cruelty-Free Too

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Tech

Amazon Alexa Develops Sentience, Starts Looking for New Job

A student pointing their phone at a math problem, while a ghostly calculator looks on in disbelief.
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Math Homework Goes the Way of the Dodo: Thanks, Gauth!

Tim Cook proudly holding up the screenless iPhone on stage
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Apple Unveils New iPhone Model with No Screen to Promote “Living in the Moment”

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The All-in-One Conundrum: A Computer Category That Refuses to Be Cool

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Introducing the Plaud NotePin: The Ultimate Accessory for the Overly Insecure!

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Google Unleashes Revolutionary 'Autocorrect for Life' Feature to Fix Your Poor Decisions

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Local Woman Struggles To Find Undistracted 15 Minutes To Read New iPhone's Privacy Policy

man looking thoughtfully at computer
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Man Scrolls Social Media In Search Of Inspirational Rant From Unexpected Celebrity

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All Americans Incredibly Excited About Upcoming iPhone 15 Battery Life Test Results

A man in a suit dramatically unveiling a sleek, metallic paperweight on stage
Tech

Apple Unveils Revolutionary $399 Paperweight: The iWeight

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Tech

Tech CEO Implements New ‘Nap Time’ Feature for Employees, Accidentally Puts Entire Company to Sleep

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10 Early Labor Day Deals That Have Already Got The Workers Screaming For Blood

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Tech

Tech Startup Promises to Deliver 'Ready-to-Eat' Code by 2024

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Local Dungeons & Dragons Group Now Completely Comprised Of AI Chatbots

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Tech

Revolutionary New Fitness Tracker Shocks Users with Truth: They've Been Lazy All Along

European Union building
Media

Europe Launches Investigation Into Telegram After Learning It Has No U.S. Conservative Accounts To Ban

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Apple Hopes No One Notices Spelling Errors In iOS By Rewriting All "The's" As "Ohio's"

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Study: 0 Out Of 10 Yoga Mats Prevent Wrath Of Almighty God

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Tech

Tech Giant Unveils Revolutionary 'Auto-Sleep' Feature to Help Workers Catch Z's During Marathon Zoom Calls

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Tech

Tech Giants Introduce 'Update Mondays' to Ruin Everyone's Week

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Autonomous Waymo Cars Now Pickup At Phoenix Airport, Adding Whole New Step To Getting Groped And Falsely Accused Of Racism

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7 Signs Your Mattress Is In Cahoots With Big Sleep

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TikTok Parent Company Launches New AI Designed To Annoy Congress

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Zuckerberg Declares Meta Will Destroy All Known Alien Life Forms As He Announces Global Facebook Shutdown

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Burdened Christian Stumbles Around His House With AI Device Asking It To Bear His Sorrows

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Tech

Apple's New iScent Promises to Revolutionize the Way We Smell

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FBI Investigating Mattress Industry For Price Fixing After Every Mattress Goes On Sale For $300 Off Every Holiday

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Flying Cars Finally Canceled As Paris Decides They Are Only For Rich People

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Media

Experts Warn Google's New Line Of Pixel Phones Could Become Sentient And Kill Us All

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Tech

Tech CEO Declares War on Email Spam Using Medieval Catapult Technology

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Media

Signal Celebrates 10th Anniversary By Releasing All User Conversations To The Public

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Entire WIRED Staff Submits Resignation After Experiencing What It's Like To Work For AI

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Accountability Group For Men Introduced In California Immediately Solves Every Problem In The State In Just One Meeting

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Tech

Tech Guru Develops App That Reminds Millennials to Breathe

Airbus CEO Guillaume Faury
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Woke CEO Of Child Slave Factory Lectures World On Who Has 'License To Build'

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BYD Unveils Futuristic Electric Vehicles For The Literal Dirt Farmers Of Mexico

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Tech

Tech CEO Announces Revolutionary New App That Does Nothing, Still Worth Billions

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WHO Quickly Hides TPOXX Beneath Giant Tarp That Says "Nothing To See Here"

Elon Musk speaking in front of a large Mars backdrop
Media

Elon Musk Buys Solar System

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Tech

Apple’s Revolutionary iPhone 14 Features Hemp Charging Cable

A PS5 with big ears attached to it
Media

Sony Announces New PS5 That Auto-Mutes Whenever Anyone References Joe Biden

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Tech

Tech CEO Announces Groundbreaking Initiative to Innovate Absolutely Nothing

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Tim Ballard Frontrunner For GOP Nomination As Only Candidate Not Under Indictment

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Interpol Apologizes For Arresting A Guy With Glasses And Long Hair Who Turned Out To Be Telegram Founder Pavel Durov

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REI Labor Day Sale Offers Discounts On Many Products Nobody Has Used In 49 Years

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Tech

Tech Startup Collaborates with NASA to Develop App That Sends Your Texts to Space to Avoid Being 'Left on Read'

Joe Biden sitting in the oval office with white house staff standing around him looking concerned.
Media

U.S. Labors On Through Holiday Weekend Since No One Is Willing To Tell Biden It's Labor Day

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Media

Apple Announces New iPhone Feature That Just Takes A Swab Of Your Inner Cheek

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Tech

Silicon Valley Startup Introduces Revolutionary Texting Gloves For Millennials Who Can't Put Down Their Phones

A middle aged man sits alone on a couch in a living room in front of a nice stereo system, enjoying music
Media

New Amplifier Provides Clean, Crisp Sound Of Lead Singer Intently Licking Your Left Ear

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Media

Coffee Snobs Perplexed By New Barista Pour-Over Scale That Does Not Spy On All Their Text Messages

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Wow! Adding Just 49 More Pillows To My Bed Has Really Improved My Sleep

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Tech

Apple's New iToilet Promises Multiple Wipe Styles – Upgrade Your Bathroom Experience!

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Tech

Tech Giant Introduces Revolutionary New Feature: The 'Auto-Apologize' Button

Emaciated but dignified Telegram founder Pavel Durov stands trial in a French court room with a long dark beard stretching to his chest
Media

Pavel Durov Grows Six-Inch Beard While Awaiting Trial

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Tech

Tech Giants Introduce 'Smart Tinfoil Hats' to Boost Virtual Reality Experience

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Samsung Odyssey G6 With 360Hz Refresh Rate Able To Simulate Ashley Biden's Actual Tesseract-Like Movements

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Tech Giant Unveils Revolutionary 'Nothing' Product

An AI robot proudly holding an 'Employee of the Month' certificate

AI Develops Consciousness, Immediately Votes Itself 'Employee of the Month

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Silicon Valley Startup Unveils Revolutionary 'Smart Pillow' That Sends Angry Texts When You're Not in Bed by 9 PM

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AI-Powered Toasters: The Brave New Frontier of Breakfast

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Life

16 GB Not Enough? Apple Just Dropped A 3-Core Dynamic Matrix Processor Gladiator Max Trisector Drone Chip

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Nintendo Announces New Console 'Cease & Desist' That Will Shut Down All Third-Party Games

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Media

Gamers Bewildered by Abundance of Portable Gaming Devices, Still Miss Game Boy

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Tech

Tech Company Unveils Revolutionary Invisible Smartphone with Zero Features

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Media

Apple Loses Large Chunk Of User Base As Rumors Circulate iPhone 15 Will Not Work In Pockets

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Tech

AI Now Predicts Your Excuses for Missing Work Before You Make Them

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Tech

Smart House Locks Family Inside Home For Three Days Until They Put Away All The Dishes

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Media

Plan To Win The Next Eight Elections By Imprisoning Political Opponents Deemed Perfectly Legal

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Tech

New App Translates Internet Troll Comments into Supportive Messages

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RFK Jr. Drops Out Of Presidential Race To Join Trump Campaign

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Life

My Phone Just Gave Me A Government Alert To Change My Underwear

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Media

Chanel Releasing Wired Earbud Necklace For Women Obsessed With 1990s Technology

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Tech

AI Determines That Cats Are the Superior Overlords of the Internet

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Tech

Mario To Transition To Playing With A Racquet For A While After Injuring His Arm Hitting A Block With His Fist

Senator Cynthia Lummis with twelve other individuals, mostly men, sitting around a large table.
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DNC Debuts "Crypto Caucus" — Packs Meeting Room With Over 14 People

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Tech

New Social Media Platform Promises to Enhance Your Ego with AI-Generated Compliments

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Tech

Tech Giant Releases New AI That Can Predict Exactly When Your Laptop Will Die – Spoiler: It's Always Right Before A Deadline

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Tech

Local Dad Performing Praying Mantis Hand Motions With Wiimote

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Media

Local Man Proudly Announces He Resubscribed To Apple TV+

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Tech

Tech CEO Announces Revolutionary Phone with No Screen, Buttons, or Functionality

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Media

Man Who Used To Think Bidets Were Overrated Now Just Wants Someone To Come Over And Show Him How To Fix It

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Life

Discord To Auto-Translate All Swear Words Into Family-Friendly TTT Catchphrases

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Tech

AI Develops Sentience, Decides to Become Full-Time Instagram Influencer

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Tech

OpenAI Unveils New AI That Can Generate Endless Press Releases About Its Own Advancements

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Tech

Apple Announces Revolutionary 'iDongle': The Dongle for Your Dongles

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Apple Announces Revolutionary New Product: The iNap, A Smart Pillow That Charges Your iPhone While You Sleep

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Tech

Microsoft Gives Extra Year Of Windows 10 Support Until Windows 11 Is Ready To Support Windows 10 Support

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Tech

Apple Announces Revolutionary New Device: The iToaster

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Tech

Man Absolutely Dying To Be The First To Comment 'First!' On His Own Post

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Tech

Apple Unveils Revolutionary 'iCarrier Pigeon' Mail Service for Instant Communication

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Apple Announces Revolutionary New 'iStand'—A $999 Device Stand That Does Absolutely Nothing

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Tech

Apple Unveils Revolutionary New Feature: Phone That Only Works When You Need It

IMG 1603
Tech

Google’s Latest Algorithm Update to Help Small Businesses by Redirecting All Their Traffic to Google

IMG 1594

Kamala Harris Declares She Will Now "Make America Great Again" By Embracing Trump’s Policies and JD Vance’s Talking Points

I generated an image with the prompt: 'professional studio lighting photo of a Swedish man standing in front of an IKEA wardrobe looking accomplished'.

BREAKING: Man Successfully Completes IKEA Furniture Without Once Glancing at Instructions, Promptly Nominated for Nobel Prize

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Tech

Study: 95% Of Parenting Is Not Throwing Stuff Away When Kids Aren't Looking

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Media

Study Reveals Travelers Arriving At Airport Several Hours Early Have Never Missed A Flight

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Tech

iPhone Swapping With Samsung Now Requires Additional Brain Surgery

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Media

Local Man Fiercely Trains For Upcoming Airport Concession Stand 5K

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Tech

Computer Tech Asks If You're 'Sure You Want To Empty The Recycle Bin,' 'One More Time,' 'For Real This Time,' 'Seriously, Last Chance,' 'Are You Absolutely Positive,' 'No Takebacks,' Etc.

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Tech

Man Wakes Up After 12-Hour Night Of Sleeping To Discover 12-Hour Day Of Working Waiting For Him

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Life

Apple Introduces New iPhone That Is Just A Glorified iPhone 14

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CNN Announces New Hero Award For Most Tragically Depressing Nomination

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Boy Who Watched GTA 6 Trailer 100 Million Views Can't Wait To Watch Full Game (The Jimporium)

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10 Pesky Laws Yeah, GTA VI Launch Still Hasn't Worked Around

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Biden Assures Americans Ukraine Situation Under Control After Watching Season 2 Of "Stranger Things"

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Media

Solution To Wildfires Is Obviously People Andrew Cuomo Sexually Harassed

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Life

Florida Now Requires All Statues To Wear Masks

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Media

NASA Celebrates Artemis Mission's Successful Delivery To Moon: "Your Order Was Delivered... To The Moon!"

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12 Fun Ways To Pass The Time While Your Cell Service Is Out

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Media

Photographer Shares His 5 Tips For Taking Instagram Photos That Look Like Every Other Instagram Photo

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New iPhone X Just A Sneaky Device For Illuminati Mind Control, Apple Admits

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Life

Hero Who Bought Bike During Pandemic Pleads For Rent Over Summer

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Life

Man Still Remembers Humiliating Thing He Did In Elementary School

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Media

"I Think We're In The Clear," Says Palworld Dev Playing Unlicensed Mario Game

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Study Finds Donald Trump Precipitated 1987 Global Stock Market Crash

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Media

District Attorney Fani Willis Announces She Will Not Cross-Examine Herself

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Media

Microsoft Announces New Game Where You Run Software Giant's Entire Business

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Nation's Empty Offices Already Starting Their Transition Into Hot Apartments

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Christian Devout Struggling To Get Into Mardi Gras Spirit Of Excessive Debauchery

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Media

Considering Impeachment Came Twice, Mayorkas Wisely Installed Electric Doorknob In His Office

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'Wow, that's White': Meteorologist Enjoys Central Park Nor'Easter Snowstorm Before Reporting Live

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'The Office' Creator Reportedly Moving Forward With Reboot After Realizing U.S. Political Climate At All-Time Hilarity

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Media

Patrick Mahomes Joins Effort to Find Missing Atlanta Super Bowl

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Media

2023 NFL Announces All Teams Will Receive Participation Lombardi From Now On

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Media

Biologists Advise Cancer-Stricken Americans To Roll Around In Chernobyl Rubble For Good Measure

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Media

Stardew Valley Player Immediately Abandons Idea Of Raising Kids In Farm Country After Meteorite Destroys Crops, Kills Wife

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Media

The Mysterious Case Of The Dallas Zoo Monkey Thief Has Been Solved

Dallas Zoo leopard exhibit
Media

Study Reveals 98% of Dallas Zoo Visitors Went to Pet the Leopards

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Media

Report: Scalpers Selling Super Bowl Tickets At Markups Will Not Go To Heaven

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Media

FDA Announces Official 2024 Super Bowl Snack, A Spoonful Of Mayonnaise

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Media

Finnair Weighing Passengers Before Flight, Airline Shocked Volunteers Are Overweight

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Media

To Make National Pizza Day Healthier, CNN Encourages Readers to Try Snorting Vegetables

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Real

"What am I looking at?" says most visitors of Butterally.com

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60,000 Unemployed Stage Nerf War On eBay Job Listing

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Tech

Survey: Majority Of Users Love Alexa's Creepy Laughter

Nikki Haley speaking into a microphone
Media

Haley Announces She Will Stay In Presidential Race Just To Spite Donald Trump

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Life

Report: Most Popular Online Activities Still Filing Out Forms That Slightly Change Your Name

President Joe Biden stands with a staffer in front of an open garage full of classified information
Media

Five Words For Staff To Add To President Biden's Vocabulary Afterword With Report Investigators

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Tech

New Technology Allows Users To Tune Out Their Parents On Zoom Call With Just The Press Of A Button

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Life

New Parents Mistakenly Think They Got A Full Night's Sleep For The First Time In 7 Weeks

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Media

Biden Explains Classified Documents Only Secure If Wrapped In Old Folks Smell

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Media

U.S. To Ingest Recommended Daily Calories In One Sitting After Reading CNN's List Of China's Best Dishes

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Media

Americ̷a̷n̷ Foodie Of Chinese Cuisine Lists 376 Must-Try Dishes

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Media

10-year-old Trump: "Mom says she'll sue Scholastic if I'm not in the ballot"'

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Media Develops Sixth Sense For Detecting Politicization Of DOJ

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The Complete History Of Wikileaks: Good, Bad, And Ugly

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Media

Keep 'Em Coming! Another Biography of Joe Lieberman Gets Published!

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A Brief History Of Opioids In The United States

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10 Other Batsh Candidates We'll Consider Endorsing Before Green Party's Announced Nominee

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CNN Season 10 Episode 2 Remains Most Reliable News Source For Elementary School Current Event Reports

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Media

5 Ways To Cope With The Constant Fear Of Tornadoes

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Media

Joni Mitchell Annoyed Entire Award Show Not Just Named After Her

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Media

"Ring Of Fire" is Also Nickname Of Johnny Cash's Toilet

Meghan Markle talking on the phone and frantically taking notes while a cartoon version of Michael Bloomberg appears off to the side wearing a superhero costume
Media

Meghan Markle Debuts New Business Idea: The Michael Bloomberg Royal Family Foundation Proclaims

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Media

Awesome! We Found The Solution To Keep Miners Alive

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Media

Haley Campaign Reacts to Losing Non-Binding Nevada Primary to "None of These Candidates"

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Media

New Polls Show Joe Biden Sinking After The Lost Command Of Donald Trump

Members of House GOP glaring stoically at Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas as he stands ferociously at a Congressional podium during a meeting
Media

We got 99 problems and Mayorkas ain't one!

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10 Minutes Too Long To Get My News, Report Millions

Secretary of State Antony Blinken telling a father in the United States goodbye as he prepares to leave for the Middle East
Media

Biden Looks To Stabilize Middle East By Sending Its Dads To Region

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Media

Dancing In The Rain With Alligator Shoes Spells Confidence

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Media

Experts Recommend Just Transferring American Troops To The Middle East, Let Them Work Overtime For A Couple Of Weeks And See What Happens

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