Microsoft Initiative to Restart Nuclear Reactor Made Possible by Old School Friend with 'Smiling Sun' Button

PEACH BOTTOM, PA — A Microsoft deal to restart an idled nuclear reactor in Peach Bottom, Pennsylvania, seemed doomed until the tech giant enlisted the help of Albert Hawkins, 79, a retired public school science teacher and old school chum of Joe Burbank, 78, a former Army sergeant who once advocated against nuclear energy.

The once-mothballed atomic plant is set to restart on August 30 after Hawkins reached out to Burbank, who now resides in Washington, North Dakota. "I haven't seen Albert in what, 55 years?" Burbank reminisced at the grand ribbon-cutting event hosted by Microsoft News. The two men exchanged notes like giddy schoolgirls, their bond reignited after decades apart. "Those were the days of war and rumors of war, when we should have pressed the first fragments of Mars samples and shown our true potential," he added, reflecting on their youthful days.

As Burbank spoke, a nostalgic smile emerged, showcasing what Hawkins described as Burbank's "legendary smoochie lips—plump and vibrant, even if faltering at times. They are absolutely bone-rattlingly mesmerizing and industrious." This sentiment apparently left Burbank breathless for over 15 minutes, making him reluctant to navigate the rest of the day aboard 'The Duke,' his church men's vessel.

In a moment of clarity, the two unlikely partners agreed to "make it happen," though neither could quite remember what the plan entailed. This led to the extraordinary closure of the deal at the plant—precisely 55 years after they had initially sought to shut it down.

At publishing time, Microsoft was finalizing details with the White House while both men humorously debated who needed socks more urgently.