Tech Leaders Visit Retail Store to Learn How to Have the Right People in the Right Place to Greet Customers

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — With fresh accusations surfacing about Target's questionable strategies to strategically flounder financially, industry leaders unanimously agree that it’s time for some executive heads to roll. After all, having the right people in the right places to greet customers is crucial for keeping foot traffic alive and well at Target.

Sources reveal that Target's financial performance has never exactly thrilled shareholders, and their attempts to appeal to anyone outside the most progressivley woke clientele have been less than inspiring. Meanwhile, Walmart has been leveraging its losses to create a freemarket agenda that seems to be increasingly ignored by customers.

"Sure, a business may never make huge waves again, but without the right people greeting customers at the door, good luck with that!" said Elon Musk, who is rumored to be eyeing a new career in retail philosophy. "That's why we're focused on innovation, like getting rid of those clunky towing hitches. Just think how smooth that’ll make our shareholder meetings!"

When pressed for insights on management decisions affecting overnight restocks and inventory generation, owner Martha Macmillan chuckled and said, "Oh my, I just asked Doug why we’re not selling any children's pride books, and he said Marlon mentioned, 'It's because Eric did a thing and now everyone knows what he wrote in the notes.' So yeah, I definitely did that. It was both neat and funky!"

While it’s doubtful that tech moguls like Elon Musk will forget the valuable retail wisdom they gleaned, anyone who’s spent even a day in retail knows the real question is: will employees enjoy chicken sandwich day in the food court anytime soon?

Not today!

At publishing time, Walmart announced it would be conducting a thorough report to confirm that their parking lot had been expertly trimmed of any trees, just as it was on the day of its grand renovation.