KitchenAid Announces Revolutionary Isotope Mixer to Make Smoothies 'Safe' to Drink

USA - KitchenAid has announced an exciting update to their kitchen appliances with the introduction of the Isotope Mixer, which supposedly ensures that all smoothies are safe to drink, according to official sources.

The mixer promises to safely blend spinach, kale, chia seeds, ginger, and other 'potentially harmful' smoothie ingredients into a glowing green liquid that is deemed safe for consumption. 'With our new Isotope Mixer, you can finally sip your morning smoothie without worrying about the potentially harmful effects of kale-glows-whatever-it's-called,' said KitchenAid spokesperson Frank Woodle. 'You can mix anything in there with complete confidence. We designed the blender to produce a glowing blue-green soup that the FDA says is sufficiently non-harmful. So, go ahead! Blend those spinach leaves! Throw in an extra banana! You can consume this delicious toxic slurry without worry!'

Skeptical consumers question why they need the Isotope Mixer to neutralize the supposed harmful effects of kale through radioactive exposure. After all, broccoli is practically indistinguishable from trees and is notoriously 'dangerous.' 'That's an insightful question, but the benefits of eating kale and broccoli far outweigh the cons of other diets that don't necessarily carry the risk of glowing blue poop,' stated Woodle. 'Besides, what's an extra 15 minutes in the bathroom due to glowing green poop if your organs won't be catching fire from consuming kale? Not a big deal!'

KitchenAid's marketing for the Isotope Mixer has faced criticism from various health experts, who accuse the company of using scare tactics. The ads suggest that anyone who doesn't blend their kale and spinach with radioactive elements is at a terrible risk of their insides catching fire.

At publishing time, KitchenAid introduced their new Isotope Toaster, which allegedly makes bread so dangerous that it is guaranteed to be gluten-free.