World Rejoices After WH Official Confirms Biden ‘Very Much Alive’

WASHINGTON, DC — The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief after a White House official confirmed that President Joe Biden is “very much alive” following a bizarre incident involving a refrigerator.

“Look, the President is very much alive, and he always has been,” declared White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “Yesterday, there was an unfortunate accident where a refrigerator toppled onto the President while he was trying to organize some storage items in the vehicle bay — he dozed off for about 25 minutes afterward. But don’t worry! He’s alive and well!”

Sources reveal that White House staff feared President Biden had met his end while maneuvering boxes out of the Presidential SUV. To add to the chaos, a local driver reportedly backed the Presidential limo into him, causing a giant refrigerator to crash onto his legs, all while he was comically buried under an avalanche of kayak supplies. Paramedics declared him “dead on the scene” but managed to revive him at the emergency room using a set of paddles that might have been borrowed from the very supplies that crushed him.

By Tuesday afternoon, he was officially “definitely but very unexpectedly still alive.”

At publishing time, White House officials reassured the public that First Lady Jill Biden is not in any way connected to this series of unfortunate events befalling her husband, and that she has, in fact, been busy hosting a new cooking show called "Bite Me: Recipes for Survival."