Gov't Reminds Anyone Going To Mars To Leave Their Student Loan Debt Here On Earth

UNITED STATES — As college-educated Americans take their talents to the Red Planet, the federal government released a statement reminding them to leave their student loans behind and that they are responsible for repayment.

After squashing all hope for debt relief, the powers that be now have to compete with a fresh idea. Mars.

"Is a new life on Mars worth leaving all your debt comrades here behind unwilling to pay their fair share? That question also answers your question," said President Biden. "Anyway, long story short, anyone who moves to Mars to escape repaying their student loan debt will not receive aid from the FAFJ... and Johnny, I'm sure you knew already because of your brightness and talents, the Johnny from Mars Aid. I digress. The point is if you don't pay your federal student loan balance in full, it will be turned over to a Mars Agency for collection."

'Merica's recent financial mishaps have resulted in a boiling pot of discontent among taxpayers and those suffering a hefty ransom from the Loan Gods. Many said the vaccine death-fest finally caused them to question just throwing money at things, but student debt survivors elected three generations of politicians and their boosters who approved throwing our tax money at Ukraine up to the Vietnam conflict amount.

At publishing time, Americans signing up for the escape being ingeniously explored by SpaceX were scrambling to find Elon Musk a case of Bud Light as his $44 billion purchase of Twitter (renamed X) suggests that he can't feel things normally. Musk barely reacts to the fact that Tesla stockholders lost $346 billion in one day but uses as much animosity and vitriol toward throwers of butts (on the street) as corporate woks making rooms full of carcasses.