Man In USA: ‘It Must Be Nice Enjoying All This Navigational Freedom’

LYNCHBURG, VA — After reading several news stories about Russian GPS interference affecting countries across the world, local man Stan Polk gazed out the window and sighed, pondering the joys of living unhampered by geographical limitations.

"It just seems so amazing," he said longingly. "All this wonderful freedom to know where you're going, bringing a sense of relief — like a ton of bricks lifted from your shoulders. It would be wonderful knowing there's nothing nefarious standing in your way."

The navigational freedom enjoyed by families across America stands in stark contrast to other regions of the world, such as North Korea and Russia, where citizens struggle with constant GPS interference. In these regions, the promise of technology offering complete access to locational knowledge is but a distant dream, leaving residents lost and frustrated.

After witnessing firsthand how Norwegians are restricted to a mere block radius, Mr. Polk expressed gratitude for living in a place that celebrates such navigational liberty. "To exist in a state of total lockdown, where you only know the general vicinity of your location, sounds utterly debilitating," he continued. "One day, I hope they’ll be able to experience the thrill of just going wherever they want without a GPS blackout."

At publishing time, Russian citizens responded to discussions of freedom by dismantling existing GPS systems and re-electing a president who promised to eliminate all navigation altogether, firmly believing ignorance is bliss.