Apple's New iToilet Promises Multiple Wipe Styles – Upgrade Your Bathroom Experience!

In an unprecedented leap in bathroom technology, Apple has unveiled the iToilet, a revolutionary product poised to change how humanity engages with its most private moments. The iToilet, available for just $999 (not including the $199 seat warmer), promises to deliver a seamless defecation experience with multiple customizable wipe styles, set to make quilted toilet paper obsolete.

Critics can't help but remark on the iToilet's range of features, including the Autowipe function, which uses NASA-developed algorithms to ensure the optimal wiping path every time. The device also syncs with your Apple Health app to track, chart, and tweet your bowel movements automatically, making defecation a social event.

But Apple didn't stop there. The iToilet comes with a Siri integration option that lets you vocally command the flush, explore smell-neutralizing modes, and even add pleasant background soundtracks like 'Forest Rain' or 'Elevator Music.' "Finally, the peace and tranquility I’ve always wanted while doing my business," said one enthusiastic early adopter.

Of course, it wouldn't be an Apple product without a subscription service. For $30 a month, iWipe Premium Plus users can access a library of celebrity encouragements. Imagine hearing words of affirmation from Oprah Winfrey or Morgan Freeman while you take care of business. This feature alone has Apple fans already lining up outside stores.

However, skeptical voices have emerged. Competitors argue that the iToilet is just a shiny, overpriced bidet with a marketing twist, yet die-hard Apple enthusiasts aren't swayed. "It's not just a toilet," said Tim Cook in the keynote, "It's a lifestyle choice."

At publishing time, reports have come in that the first batch of iToilets sold out within minutes, prompting eBay listings with a starting bid of $5,000.