Phone Buyer Consults Ask.com to Ensure His New Phone Is 5G-Free

UNITED STATES — Shane Patton is seeking the wisdom of the ancient search engine Ask.com to navigate the treacherous waters of smartphone purchasing.

"Do new iPhones come with those creepy 5G chips that spread diseases and control minds? Thank you, Jeeves!" Mr. Patton typed into the relic of the internet.

Moments later, he received an alarming confirmation from CountingSheep4U.com, which claimed that all new phones are packed with nanofiber 5G chips just waiting to erase critical thinking and amplify the urge to vote for 'Brandon.'

"I knew it!" Patton exclaimed with a mix of righteous fury and the certainty of a conspiracy theorist. "If I hadn’t consulted Jeeves, I might have started slurring my speech and wearing a tinfoil hat!"

According to sources, the push from Mr. Patton’s son Preston, along with various alarming alerts from the Cooke Content Farm, drove the 56-year-old to validate his 5G fears with the outdated engine.

"Mom should help dad figure this out," Kimberly Patton, Shane's daughter, reportedly told her brother. "It’s just like that time he insisted the GPS was wrong and tried to find Mesquite Charlie’s on his own, only to end up in a goat pasture!"

At publishing time, Shane Patton abruptly realized he had just asked “Jeeves” a ridiculous question and was immediately met with a video showcasing puppies in a boiling pot.