TSA To Allow Souvenir Sharks From Now On

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move to address ongoing frustrations with its inconsistent policies, the Transportation Security Administration has announced that passengers may now carry souvenir sharks — but there’s a catch.

Officials were nearly too late to implement the new guidelines, as two agents had already set their sights on confiscating a shark from a recent vacationer, Brian Buckles.

"Well, looks like you're going to have to get rid of your shark, sir," one agent grumbled while the other wielded a box cutter, attempting to cut open Buckles' luggage. "It’s about fifteen pounds over the weight limit!"

The TSA’s official statement clarifies that travelers can only bring dead sharks on board. "Our agents can distinguish between a live shark and a dead one," the statement read, perhaps a little too confidently. "Any traveler attempting to smuggle a live shark onto a plane will be subjected to fines, prison time, or even the delightfully ironic fate of being attacked by a live shark let loose in the terminal."

At publishing time, FAA Administrator Billy Nolan was spotted in an airplane holding area, bewildered as he tried to decide which of the five planes to board to Florida — overshadowing a potential shark fiasco.