Activists Attempt to Burn Elon Musk as a Witch but are Distracted by the Sexy Cybertruck

AUSTIN, TX - Determined to rid the world of their favorite tech villain, local activists traveled from around the nation to Tesla headquarters, prepared to burn Elon Musk as a witch. However, their fiery mission quickly fizzled out when they laid eyes on the stunning, sexy Cybertruck.

"GET THEE GONE, WITCH! EWWW, WAIT A MINUTE, THE TRIM IS ACTUALLY PRETTY SICK!" shouted activist Marissa Day as a hundred-thousand-dollar stainless steel masterpiece glided by. "We absolutely despise Elon Musk! Also, WOW IT'S GOT SUV AND SPORTSCAR 0-60 TIMES! WOW! But NO! WE HATE HIM!"

The mob had come equipped with burning rage and pitchforks, ready to condemn Musk. "LIB Twitter is twice as mad now because they changed the BLUE color to an UGLY BLUE," tweeted one activist. However, instead of going for blood, they found themselves singing the praises of the electric car company’s latest creation.

"We are... confused," confessed Day, oscillating between anger and admiration.

"BURN HIM! WAIT, MAYBE NOT! HE COULD BE OUR BACKUP PLAN IF GLOBAL WARMING RAVAGES THE HEARTLAND!"

As the activists stood around, several began questioning the purpose of their gathering.

"We were here to burn a witch who believes in free speech, but I guess maybe we’ll be Democrats for Musk in 13 months instead? UGH, THIS IS THE WORST!" lamented Day.

In Texas, the legal ramifications for witch-burning are as foggy as the state’s weather. Even if they did manage to toss Musk onto the giant stack of kindling they had been collecting all week, reports suggest he’s insulated with magical properties… or perhaps just asbestos.

"I think he'd be handled very poorly by incompetent kings, much like you, Wei," co-founder Jack Dorsey quipped to reporters via jail phone.

At publishing time, activists online speculated that their existence as a confused mob might have been confirmed when @Reformed, a Christian account with over 250,000 followers that tweeted about John Knox, was suspended. "YEAAAHHHHHH! WE CAN FEEL X SINGE US WITH ED'S HONJAX FANFIC THERMONUCLEARSSSSSSSS!" they raged.