Hero Who Bought Bike During Pandemic Pleads For Rent Over Summer

CHICAGO — Local hero Kyle Hopkins, who selflessly purchased a bicycle during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, reportedly begged his landlord for mercy with rent payments over the summer, inspiring zero members of his community, confirmed sources impressed with how out of shape the once-athletic guy has gotten.

"Please, I meant what I said about that bike," said the landlord who owns the small apartment Hopkins rents with two roommates. "You really didn't miss out on a single ride once the weather got nice, huh? All those hours you spent indoors not riding this bike are super impressive. Look, I've got mortgages on a few properties, and the banks aren't giving me a break. I need your rent on time."

Hopkins has reportedly been an example to his neighborhood of thirty-and forty-somethings, many of whom commended his sacrifice of overpaying for a used bike with a terrible paint job and no gears. "That bike is truly a symbol of dedication and perseverance," said roommate Chadwick Elwood, who owns a beach cruiser he rode twice. "When I inevitably forget about my bike, I want you to always remind me how stupid I am for not getting around to riding it."

The city of Chicago cited Hopkins as an example of what makes the everyday people in this country so extraordinary. "You, sir, are a Chicagoan through and through," said Mayor Lori Lightfoot in a direct address to Hopkins, who was again late running to his job delivering food. "Your noble act of paying a small fortune for the bike you've barely used is the kind of sacrifice that will inspire generations to come."

At publishing time, Hopkins had reportedly turned down genuine heroes serving in hospitals and the armed forces who wanted to nominate him for a medal of valor.