Plan To Win The Next Eight Elections By Imprisoning Political Opponents Deemed Perfectly Legal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Biden administration was breathing a sigh of relief today after their plan to ensure Democrats win consecutive presidential elections over the next three decades by imprisoning all political opponents was deemed perfectly legal by the U.S. judicial system.

Concerns were briefly raised this week over the use of indictments and criminal charges to remove presidential candidates from running for office in elections. "No, this is completely on the up-and-up," said U.S. District Court Judge Tanya Chutkan. "Surely, President Biden wouldn't use the legal system to imprison anyone that poses a threat to him politically. He's such a sweet old man who loves riding his bike and sniffing children's hair. This is all legitimate! Carry on!"

The ruling was met with jubilant celebration at the White House. "This is wonderful news!" said President Biden from an undisclosed location behind a large beach house sand dune. "This means I'm going to be President for 20 more years! Not that I would ever abuse my power to imprison anyone I think might beat me in an election. No way. This is all on the up-and-up! Just ask Judge Chutkan!"

Sources say strategy discussions have already begun for other candidates and political leaders who may need to be put behind bars for the next few elections, including Ron DeSantis, Christina Pushaw, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Nancy Mace, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, and a feisty Grandpa from Owensboro, Kentucky named Arnold T. Ledbetter, who is known to shout political slogans in a spirited manner down at the local Dairy Queen.

At publishing time, Democrats had also recommended imprisoning all voters registered as Republicans, though some are concerned that might not be legal.