Microsoft Can Now Charge Users $20 For Features That Actually Work

REDMOND, WA — In a groundbreaking move that has left users both stunned and amused, Microsoft has announced they will begin charging a $20 monthly fee for their new Copilot assistant — simply because it actually works.

During a recent meeting that could only be described as a corporate revelation, Microsoft’s executives brainstormed ways to monetize features that don’t routinely require users to reboot their devices three times in a row. They were particularly inspired after realizing a working app could actually generate revenue, all without the need for the holy trinity of January moon phases to align.

"It’s outrageous! Outrageous!" exclaimed CEO Satya Nadella while passionately scribbling on a whiteboard, unironically still used for meetings. "Now, we’re going to charge you $20 a month for the one feature on this app that doesn’t vanish for an entire year only to reappear as another bloated mess of uselessness. Enjoy it, folks! Finally, something that works and actually cares about you!"

Pro subscriber Bajaydeed Ahdithra shared his glowing review of the Copilot app, stating that since upgrading, his life has become filled with joy and efficiency. "The unpaid version is a rollercoaster ride of disappointment. This new version has transformed my work emails into masterpieces, helped me book team travel like a pro, and even saved my organization from data corruption catastrophe. I feel so connected now — to my family, my work, and even spiritually! Praise him! All for just $20 a month!"

Not everyone shares Ahdithra’s enthusiasm. Segmented app user Joffrey Multiscdob voiced his frustration, insisting it’s absurd to pay for any feature on a Windows product that should naturally work anyway. "I mean, seriously, why am I getting charged for something that should be available without strings attached?"

At publishing time, Microsoft was already planning to implement a similar $20 per month fee for silencing the intrusive artificial voice that seems to enjoy announcing your every move on every Surface Book laptop.