Europe Launches Investigation Into Telegram After Learning It Has No U.S. Conservative Accounts To Ban

BRUSSELS — According to sources, the European Union has launched an investigation of messaging platform Telegram after learning the popular service has no U.S. conservatives to ban.

The announcement has struck fear into the hearts of Telegram users worldwide. "If we're not banning U.S. conservatives, we're not spreading European democracy," said European Parliament member Véronique Trillet-Lenoir. "Their quick purge of conservatives like Trump from Twitter brought worldwide freedom, peace, prosperity, equality, and no further racist, sexist, or homophobic tweets. We Europeans demand these same benefits in Telegram."

EU officials also expressed concern that nobody had heard of Telegram CEO Pavel Durov. "We only know of good and honest and fair social media companies like Google, Facebook, and Twitter who have had public EU Parliament hearings about moderation policies in an effort to purge all conservatives."

Durov says he is not concerned that highly restrictive European legislation called the Digital Services Act will affect his company. "We just discovered today that 80% of our user base is conservative U.S. citizens," he said.

At publishing time, the launch of the EU investigation coincided with a 20-fold increase in new user subscriptions.