Army Enlists League Of Legends Player For Prestigious Task of Controlling Stryker's Missile Defense System

FORT RILEY, KS — In a groundbreaking move, the United States Army officially recognized 22-year-old professional League of Legends player Cody "Borp-chunk" Goodwin, assigning him the prestigious and noble task of controlling the missile defense system on a Stryker vehicle in Ukraine.

"I used to turn my nose up at the thought of joining the Army. A weak man's career choice," Goodwin admitted, wiping the tears from his gaming-weary eyes. "But then I saw a PSA during one of my League of Legends sessions that said the Army needs my skills to defend Ukraine. This is a proud moment for me, my teammates, and the gaming community. Thank you, America!"

Goodwin's journey to this moment began in infancy—literally. Legend has it he started gaming while still in his mother's womb. Experts are split on the origins of his preternatural ability, suggesting either divine intervention from Mother Nature or a cosmic prank from the universe itself.

"I wish we could thank a higher power for this rare turn of fortune in finding such skilled operators to utilize our advanced technology," said General Mark Milley while munching on assorted nuts. "But considering my experiences with death and destruction, I'm not so sure there’s a God. If He exists, He must be on an extended vacation. But alas, thank you Mr. Goodwin for your fantastic capabilities—oh, and I think I’ll have another nut."

Borp-chunk is set to depart next month, provided he can demonstrate to his caregivers that he can make it a full week without spilling Mountain Dew on his keyboard. The Army is optimistic, noting that as long as he can dodge grenades as well as he dodges responsibility, the mission should be a success!