Archaeologists Uncover Buried Mayan Tech Startup That Definitely Went Woke

YUCCA TREE — Researchers excavating a site in northwest Mexico have unearthed a long-buried Mayan tech startup that appears to have succumbed to the pitfalls of going woke.

"It's clear this was once a thriving tech enterprise," said Dr. Ethan Yarbro, the lead archaeologist. "But like so many others, it went woke and eventually went broke. The final king likely began hiring High Priests of Diversidad and implementing bizarre diversity and inclusion metrics, causing employees to abandon their posts and head off into the burgeoning beer bong construction industry nearby in Calakmul."

Ignoring sign after sign, what was once a flourishing city-state ultimately met with failure. Researchers noted that the company's last gardening effort was half-heartedly executed, with shovels left strewn about like apathetic interns at an all-hands meeting. It’s believed the kingdom opted to exclusively hire Aztec developers, but had to part ways when they started performing heart extractions instead of simply bug fixing. The discovery of animal blood runes in the soil offers further insight into this chaos.

"The evidence of the city-state's downfall is undeniable, especially considering we found a treasure trove of crazy company management videos still intact!" Dr. Yarbro exclaimed, proudly displaying a functioning tablet that featured an early version of a diversity training video titled, "Employees, You Will Be Terminated If You Don’t Sacrifice 50% Female Emus for Our Quota."

At publishing time, a nearby discovery yielded answers to a question that had eluded Dr. Yarbro’s team: "Why my kids— you know, the ones working at Foxconn— keep asking for paychecks."