Absolute Morons Pay $300 For Automatic Pet Feeder When Baby Daughter Eats Just As Much

BOISE, ID — A local couple was prepared to drop $300 on an automatic pet feeder when they had the shocking revelation that their baby daughter consumes as much food as their cat.

"What a stroke of luck to discover that our daughter eats twice as much as Timestamp the cat!" said husband and father Derek Kroburg. "We'll set the thing to dispense breakfast at six and lunch at noon. When we get home from work, Emma usually feeds her around five, so we’re just adjusting the times from there. We should save a fortune!"

Derek, who gifted Timestamp to his newlywed wife Emma as a wedding present seven years ago, has survived mainly on Monster Energy Drinks and 4oz protein shakes for the last five years. "I was considering this upgrade anyway, it's just nice to see the numbers finally align," he tweeted triumphantly. "Plus, Timestamp will get tons of exercise! While Mara can take care of herself, I didn't want that little bundle of joy to be cooped up with a sleeping cat all day."

Little Mara, now a ripe 3 months old, will be left alone at home for up to 9 hours each day when Emma resumes work next month.

At publishing time, Timestamp had abruptly stopped eating and opted for a long, luxurious nap. Locals speculate that if two people figure out how to afford cat food, they’ll avoid seeking further donations and hoard the remainder for themselves. Meanwhile, Timestamp is on track to achieve his anticipated 24-36 hour nap schedule by August, assuming the world doesn’t start distributing cat food like it’s a free buffet.