Hurricane Poised To Eventually Slam Into Palm Desert After It Enters Gulf, Crosses Florida Panhandle, Moves Up The Entire U.S. Eastern Seaboard, Swings Back Down Through The Midwest, Crosses Arkansas, And Then Ramps Up Its Strength In The Pacific

PALM DESERT, CA — Hurricane Milton is bracing to slam into Palm Desert next Saturday after taking what can only be described as the world's longest detour through the Gulf of Mexico, crossing the Florida Panhandle, cruising up the entire U.S. Eastern Seaboard, swinging back down through the Midwest, and finally crossing Arkansas before ramping up its strength again in the Pacific Ocean.

"This is going to be a big one," said expert meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was absolutely breaking the needle on The Jim Cantore-Jimmy Buffett Scale and possibly considering switching careers to become a storm-chasing DJ.

Local residents are taking necessary precautions to prepare for the colossal Category 1 storm when it makes landfall. Some are putting boards on their windows, nailing down their garden gnomes, while others are mainly just relocating their remote controls from the patio furniture to the living room—because priorities.

Meanwhile, some stubborn residents have opted to ignore mandatory evacuation orders.

"I've lived here for decades, and I’m not going to just up and leave because of another silly hurricane!" said Alvin Beckerson, who was last seen comfortably ensconced in his Ark, which suspiciously resembled a mobile home.

At publishing time, Howie Long was preparing for a Fox broadcast of the upcoming Rams vs. Buccaneers game at the nearby Flooded Allegiant Stadium, optimistically hoping it would turn into an unexpected aquatic event.