My Phone Just Gave Me A Government Alert To Change My Underwear

Sirens blared across the country today and cell phones lit up simultaneously all on account of the emergency test system. The test message read, "THIS IS A TEST OF THE NATIONAL WIRELESS EMERGENCY SOUND. NO ACTION IS NEEDED. THIS IS ONLY A TEST."

Moments later, most users acknowledged receiving a follow-up message to the original with more specific instructions. While the instructions of users varied to the individual, the most common additional message nationwide today read, "GOVERNMENT ALERT: PLEASE CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR."

Democrat politicians in particular celebrated the decision by emergency managers to not miss the opportunity to implement secondary alerts. "It's not just tests we can send," said Jeffrey Smith, director of the Texas Department of Emergency Management. "We might as well try to address real emergencies simultaneously. For some, that is reminders to clean your room. For others it might be to brush your teeth. For others, yes, there's an urgent message to change your underwear."

The emergency management director said some in certain demographic areas also got advised to brush their teeth and ensure that they did not leave home without wearing shoes.

At publishing time, Democrat politicians had announced they were adding a second test for personal emergency preparedness later this year because they wanted to remind American citizens to not be hateful racists.