World Celebrates As World's Oldest Woman Turned 320 Years Old

SANT PERE DE RIBES, SPAIN — The world has paused to celebrate today as the world's oldest woman has turned 320 years old.

Touted as the oldest human being on record, Maria Branyas Morera reached the monumental milestone at her assisted living facility in Sant Pere de Ribes.

"It's just wonderful," caretaker Nuria Montalbo said through tears. "I waited all day for Maria to finally wake up. It was exhausting. Then she needed my help to go pee, swallow down half a bottle of Miralax, get her depends changed, shave her back, then spit up expired baby food. But then—finally—around four o'clock—her gnarled, scaly, claw-like fingers working feverishly at a snail's pace, and the two-inch-long hairs sticking out of her overly waxy nose like hedgehog quills—she was finally ready to say, 'iii iiim twwvoet hundred twmety.'"

Distant relatives, friends, politicians, and others gathered to honor Miss Morera at her unlikely triumph. "Maria has seen so many amazing things since she was born on a dewy morning in 1703," said an assembled speaker. "She has dodged a French guillotine, celebrated the founding of America 147 years after her birth, and seen the rise of good but also evil with the birth of my little brother."

"She claims she was recently even de-aged around 230 years a week ago after getting her new vaccine. Maybe we'll be celebrating this same birthday in another 100 years. It is beautiful indeed."

At publishing time, Miss Morera had begun chugging redbulls so she could try to stay awake to vote for Joe Biden for U.S. President again.