Kid Born Into Reality Of Constant Mass Shootings Somehow Safer With Another Way To Ignore Danger

AURORA, CO — Fearing for her daughter's safety, local mother Samantha Mickbris bought her second grader a snazzy new smartwatch so she has another way to completely ignore her surroundings.

"You hear about mass shootings all the time, especially around Colorado, so it's important my girl has a sensible distraction if danger shows up," said Mrs. Mickbris. "If a gunman recklessly attacks an innocent shopper, Emma can switch on My Little Pony and reminisce about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's latest adventure! All the chaos will be gone in no time."

As Emma exited Boulder Valley Smart School Academy for Girls, her gaze was absorbed by the colorful screen showing a Minecraft walkthrough.

"A few kids were jumping around frantically, but when the teacher raised his voice and mentioned something about a shooter while running toward a young man on the floor, I got kinda scared," said Emma Mickbris. "I just put in my Gwyneth Earbuds and turned up the Bubble Guppies 'Row Your Boat' remix, and everything was fine!"

At publishing time, Mrs. Mickbris had purchased her daughter a cute little fur vest so she could experience the harsh realities of life—fashionably.