Local Man Uses Internet Archive to Relive His Childhood, Immediately Falls Into a Coma

AUSTIN, TX — Local man Stephen Rogers, who bravely ventured onto the Internet Archive to look up an old show from his youth, promptly collapsed on the floor in a nostalgic stupor.

"Oh man! This takes me way back! I remember staying up late to catch reruns of this classic show... wait, what’s this bookmarklet?" he exclaimed while scrolling down a cryptic digital rabbit hole.

"CRITICAL_WIDTH=7)?t[_0x2ca1eb(0x8d)](_0x269b9f[0]:?**]*∞∞∞∞∞," he read, entirely unaware that he had just activated a curse that would send him spiraling down the internet's dark and dusty archives.

It turns out Mr. Rogers (no relation) forgot the cardinal rule of the Internet Archive — never actually go on it unless you’re prepared for the emotional fallout.

"Stephen, can you hear me? It’s me, Sarah!" his wife shouted in desperation. "If you can hear me, give me a sign! Just blink, or open your eyes, or something!"

Nurse Kimberly Lockhart had to burst into the room to explain the unfortunate reality: there’s no turning back once you become a full-on, botoxed, internet time traveler.

"You did this!" exclaimed Mrs. Rogers, pointing a trembling finger at the nurse before quickly redirecting her anger back at her husband. "Wait, it’s your fault for browsing that site! I’m so sorry, I should have prevented this!"

At publishing time, Mrs. Rogers had installed a special lightbulb that transformed every room into a replica of the show her husband adored and was now desperately trying to bring him back to reality. "Maybe a little nostalgia will jog his memory... or wake him up!" she whispered, half hopeful and half mad.