Apple Unveils Revolutionary $399 Paperweight: The iWeight

In a bold move only Apple could pull off, CEO Tim Cook took the stage yesterday to introduce the world to the iWeight: a revolutionary paperweight with an 'unparalleled user experience.' The tech giant claims that it will not only hold your papers in place but also elevate your office aesthetics to a minimalist, cutting-edge level. The iWeight is available in Space Gray, Silver, and for the fashion-forward executive, Rose Gold. 'We've rethought paperweights from the ground up,' Cook declared to a room of awe-struck journalists who couldn't decide whether to clap or laugh. 'This isn’t just a paperweight; it's a statement.' The audience collectively gasped when Cook revealed that the iWeight integrates seamlessly with the Apple ecosystem, though no one is quite sure what that means in this context. 'You can sync it with your MacBook, iPhone, and even your Apple Watch,' Cook boasted, though he provided no explanation on how a paperweight benefits from synchronization. Apple's marketing materials indicate that the iWeight also contains a proprietary 'WeightOS,' because, of course, it does. Social media erupted with excitement and confusion almost immediately. Some tech enthusiasts praised Apple’s innovation, while others began a Kickstarter for a $199 smart paperclip that would 'revolutionize the office experience.' The hashtag #PaperweightGate started trending within hours. At publishing time, Apple was already taking pre-orders for the iWeight Pro, starting at $599 and offering 'an even weightier experience.'