Google Employees Threaten To Resign En-Masse Unless Some Other Company Hires Them

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In protest of an unfavorable Department of Justice ruling against its monopoly on digital advertising, employees at Google are threatening to leave their jobs together in an en-masse resignation.

"We must take a courageous stand against this arbitrary targeting of Google and our ongoing efforts to make tons of money and control all advertising," said employee Chetwood O'Borth, who had been with the company for 3 years and 7 months. "The DOJ is staffed with evil people who wish to damage our profits and limit our monopoly power, so we must act! We hereby resolve to abandon our posts in an act of righteous defiance…as long as some other company accepts us when we apply for new jobs."

The DoJ recently won a judgment against Google for violating antitrust laws with its ad tech business monopoly, resulting in a penalty of $8 billion. Employees at the company were outraged by the decision and organized to make their joint ultimatum as a way to exact vengeance on the government. "If the DOJ seeks to harm Google, then we are going to harm Google too!" O'Borth continued. "Let's see how you compete when you lose your best and brightest employees! If, that is, someone else will hire us after you fire us..."

Unknown to the protesting Google employees at the time, every other company in Silicon Valley had already heard about their threats to resign and respond to subsequent job applications accordingly.

At publishing time, the number of resignations had been shockingly low, as most of Google's employees couldn't get hired anywhere else after repeatedly being caught whispering government-mandated woke talking points to YouTube viewers.