Stardew Valley Player Immediately Abandons Idea Of Raising Kids In Farm Country After Meteorite Destroys Crops, Kills Wife

CALEDONIA, IL — What started out as a peaceful life in the country, raising a couple of kids in a safe environment and teaching them the value of hard work, quickly turned into a nightmare for local resident Dave Uttley after a strange, glowing rock fell from the sky and destroyed crops, killed his wife, and left his whole way of life in ruins.

Uttley had recently moved to the Four Corners area and picked up a farming simulator game, Stardew Valley, thinking it would be a good way to prepare his own children for the hard work and moral values he wanted to instill in them. But after just a few days in the game, a crazy, otherworldly event took a turn for the worse, leaving Uttley wishing he had never left the safe, civilized city.

"It all started out so idyllic," Uttley said as he prepared to bury his wife, Alice, who never recovered after coming into contact with the meteorite. "The weather was nice, we had some animals, planted some crops, even had a good-time dance at the Flower Festival. Then this meteorite thing happened, and now my wife is dead, the crops are all gone, and I don't know where things stand with Abigail and the other girls I was trying to woo. Plus, let's just say young Timothy and Sarah won't be growing up to be strong, strapping lads after being exposed to the open air following the meteorite's impact."

"Life in the country is not what it's cracked up to be," he added.

Other residents of Stardew Valley tried to console Uttley and warn him about the impending birth of the witch's baby, but the experience had already soured him on the entire farming-simulator concept.

At publishing time, Uttley had begun shopping for a new, safer video game that doesn't involve the dangers of rural life, even as he was being visited by two very intimidating men to discuss how he could be of help with a "problem" they have.