Scientists Predict More Intense Wildfires In California Unless We Do Absolutely Nothing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Offering dire warnings of the dangers awaiting the Golden State unless immediate further inaction was taken, the nation's top scientists convened a Climate Change Summit at the nation's capital and joined in a unified call for everyone to do absolutely nothing.

"Our team of leading scientists and environmental experts have compiled a wealth of research and data that has led us to the only reasonable conclusion based on facts: if we all do absolutely nothing, it will prevent future wildfires and restore the environment to normal," said the summit's keynote speaker, Pupkin Bungsworth, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus of Scientific Sciences at the Environmental Science University of Science and Environment.

"This may seem like an overly drastic measure, but we sincerely believe it's the only logical path forward and one that will ensure the future health of our environment. We must act by not acting."

Many members of the scientific community had been asking questions about whether or not forest fires had dramatically increased in California in the years following the implementation of forest management initiatives that consist primarily of doing absolutely nothing. Summit organizers and original founding members of climate change science, The Science Brothers, Astavle and Nordglog, had jumped at the opportunity to host an open discussion in hopes of spreading their steadfast belief that nothing can only be fought with nothing.

"Since the debut of our innovative "do nothing" initiatives, more people than ever before are promoting a hands-off approach," said Astavle and Nordglog. "As support continues to grow, we're confident that in time, doing nothing will allow us to solve not only California's forest fire crisis but perhaps even more global environmental issues as well."

At publishing time, the scientific community had reportedly continued developing their do-nothing California wildfire initiative and announced the much-anticipated follow-up to the original, "Do Absolutely Nothing 2."