10 Minutes Too Long To Get My News, Report Millions

LIVONIA, MI - Area man Timothy Galvin has filed a lawsuit against worldwide news powerhouse CNN for wasting his time with their daily 10-minute news show, CNN 10.

"I wanted my news, and I wanted it quickly, so I fired up this CNN 10 thing. Ten minutes later, I still didn't have any answers about what's happening in the world," said Galvin. "It was all, 'Here are some countries. They're doing stuff. Look at that stuff.' What the heck, man? Just tell me who to be mad at and why. I don't need a geography lesson. I didn't even learn where all the countries are because there wasn't a cool little song or anything."

Galvin has been on a quest to find the perfect news broadcast for several years and thought he had found it with CNN 10. Now, after watching a single episode and making no effort to find the hundreds of other news options that exist, he is demanding restitution for his wasted time and emotional distress.

At publishing time, Galvin had also filed a lawsuit against The Babylon Bee for not being newsy enough.