Republicans Want To Talk Policy: Obsession with Sleepy Heads Takes a Comedic Turn

NORMAL BLONDE — AJ Brown has been lounging on his parents' couch, chugging Mello Yellow Slurpees since that fateful sick day in December. Reports indicate Brown has barely moved, aside from the occasional bathroom break and a frantic hand-washing session.

“I’m still in shock,” AJ exclaimed, his eyes wide with disbelief.

“You know how shocking it is when your son throws a fit about Pitbull? What a piece of work! You have to be embarrassed!”

In a shocking twist, the artist formerly known as Pitbull himself chimed in, grumbling, “I’ve decided I should probably change his name to Kevin.”

Experts from "60 Minutes" weighed in on the drama, confirming that AJ’s obsession with Pitbull had spiraled into a full-blown couch potato crisis.

The report unveiled that Brown saw Pitbull coming towards him. “It was like Uber-style. He ran in, and that’s what killed it,” he reflected, seemingly conflating his favorite rapper with a mundane delivery service.

“Or maybe skateboards like…” he trailed off, revealing a glimpse of disorientation reminiscent of a rapped-out lyric.

Finally, after a lengthy ten-minute discussion, Kevin—not to be confused with Pitbull—agreed in a huff, “Super suckers!”