ICE Confused About Backlash Over $2 Million Grant for Israeli Spying on Americans

WASHINGTON, DC — Internal sources revealed that ICE officials are baffled by the backlash surrounding their decision to award a $2 million grant to an Israeli company tasked with spying on American citizens.

"I thought this was just standard operating procedure—like, you know, routine stuff that no one cares about," said ICE agent Herb Briment. "A couple million bucks to a foreign country for a little surveillance on U.S. citizens? Pretty par for the course these days. Some of my best friends are foreign spies who monitor citizens without their knowledge or consent!"

The grant to the well-known Israeli spyware company Paragon has raised eyebrows among critics, who argue that the U.S. government should prioritize funding American tech firms instead. Some reports even allege that Paragon is set to receive $2 million to monitor American citizens covertly—because, obviously, that’s the kind of benevolent oversight we can trust from our friends at ICE.

"Honestly, anyone who believes that the government should pass laws to prevent foreign entities from snooping on American citizens is just one step away from donning a tin foil hat," Briment scoffed. "That kind of thinking is just absurd."

At press time, Briment suggested that any American concerned about government surveillance should simply invest in one of those privacy screens for their phones—just like his wife did. "Those things work wonders," he added with a wink.