Sharp Unveils Futuristic Electric Van Targeted At Creepy Dudes

JAPAN — In a shocking twist that may redefine the market for electric vehicles, Sharp has rolled out an innovative electric van that is sure to appeal to a certain demographic: creepy dudes everywhere.

"With its sleek design and an impressive number of child-seat options, our new panel van is set to become the top choice for single men in their 40s," stated Sharp Chairman and CEO Picard Sharp, adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses for effect. "Adults will marvel at the powerful engine, optional tinted windows, and a state-of-the-art entertainment system. Meanwhile, kids will be thrilled with the numerous uniquely outfitted restraints—uh, we mean 'safety features.'"

The reception from creepy dudes has been overwhelmingly positive as they envision the potential adventures waiting to unfold.

"I currently drive a 1988 Chevy Astro; it’s falling apart and just too old to attract the kinds of attention I desire from—uh—families in my neighborhood," said a man named Bill, who declined to provide his last name and was notably evasive about any background checks. "If Sharp’s pricing is reasonable, I’d consider this my upgrade! Or maybe they’ll offer a zero-interest financing plan to make it even sweeter?"

At publishing time, Sharp Chairman and CEO Picard Sharp had addressed growing concerns by investigating creative ways to legally park the vans—some gently perched atop electrical poles—with their occupants inside, offering them a unique perspective on their 'new lifestyle.'