NASA Solar Sail Sets New Distance Record By Traveling Over 11 Inches In Only 4 Years

RETROGRADE TRAJECTORY CORRECTION BURN, LOW THRUST TRANSFER ELLIPSE 469D AF3967DE- After years of gliding through the depths of space, NASA's Advanced Composite Solar Sail has set a new distance record, traveling a jaw-dropping 11.6 inches and counting.

"This is an exciting day for NASA and space fans around the world," said NASA program motivator Jabari Brown, whose enthusiasm could barely be contained. "I remember back when the craft had only moved 2 inches; I dreamed of this day!"

Though this monumental achievement took nearly four years to reach, the team at NASA remained optimistic they would break the previous record of 10 inches. "We powered through those years like a turtle on a caffeine high!"

"The moment we hit 12 inches, I’m throwing a party! I’ll pop a bottle of IZZE!" proclaimed space fan Meri Bianco, a gas station attendant closely following the project. "You ever popped a bottle of sparkling clementine IZZE before? It's a party in a bottle! Bring on the confetti!"

At publishing time, NASA had released images of the test, inspiring tears of joy from scientists and sparkling beverage aficionados alike.