Ugandan Mothers Excitedly Announce Their First-Borns After Receiving Their First iPhones

UGANDA — In an earth-shattering development that has left the tech world buzzing, a group of Ugandan women have joyfully announced the birth of their first-borns—immediately after receiving their very first iPhones.

"Behold my beautiful first-born!" exclaimed one enthusiastic mother as she proudly presented an infant that appeared somewhat ethnically ambiguous. "She shall be named Precious Diamond!"

After a challenging first trimester and a miraculous birth, the new mother couldn't be more thrilled about the influx of relatives eager to fawn over her bundle of joy. "Oh, how proud her late father must be!" she gushed. "I will cherish my Precious Diamond until the Day I Die—or until the next iPhone upgrade!"

Meanwhile, another Ugandan onlooker expressed concern that many of the mothers were showing off iPhone 13s rather than the newer iPhone 14s. It became an impromptu mourning ritual as they dropped their devices into a cup of water, shrieking in a blend of loss and laughter.

Reports indicate that an elaborate treehouse has been constructed, but only a select few of the 'iPhone babies' were permitted any sleepovers in what the group affectionately dubbed a "PlayDate™."

At publishing time, the gleeful mother discovered she could effortlessly silence her attention-seeking mini-me by slipping out to the club, secure in the knowledge that her new phone was now her best friend.