The Complete History Of Wikileaks: Good, Bad, And Ugly

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While still standing by as a reliable source for all current Julian Assange and Wikileaks news, CNN has not updated its suggested timeline yet for fear of leaving out key events in the complete history of the activist group and personality.

"Yes, whenever something new comes up with Assange, or Wikileaks drops a new document, we want you to think of us first," said anchor Jake Tapper. "But updating our comprehensive timeline is tricky. We labeled it 'complete' and now we're scared of what will happen if we add or take away any entries in the nearly two-decade run of Wikileaks."

The timeline runs neatly along these lines:

December 2006 - Wikileaks is created and achieves world peace. September 2007 - Wikileaks cures cancer. October 2008 - Wikileaks breaks up a fight at a Detroit Lions game and later wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Wikileakes then gets really thirsty and goes to buy a Coke. But, oh no, it's out of change. So it heads home to grab a few coins and... October 16, 2008 - Wikileaks exposes the full extent of the British National Party's support, effectively leading to the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States on the same day he publishes the last Harry Potter book.

"Each new timeline entry is vetted through at least four senior CNN editors to make sure it's as complete as possible," Tapper went on to explain. "Not a one of us wants to let you down, the American people, on having the most exhaustive, accurate resource for the history of anything related to Assange, Manning, or Wikileaks in all its full, unedited, original glory."

Update: CNN has received the first official draft of a suggested updated timeline which includes the entry `October 18, 2022 - Chelsea Manning live tweets a screening of Legally Blonde."

"Okay, now we're sure this thing is complete!" Tapper announced.