Study: 0 Out Of 10 Yoga Mats Prevent Wrath Of Almighty God

STANFORD, CA — In a study conducted at Stanford University this week, researchers found that zero out of ten yoga mats adequately prevent the unstoppable wrath of Almighty God.

"For our experiment, we selected a random sampling of ten individuals with varying levels of experience who practice yoga and own mats," said Professor Emeritus with the School of Humanities and Science, Jeremy Heit. "At first, we simply asked each participant if the yoga mat they owned had ever prevented God Almighty from enacting His wrath upon them in any form. To a man, they all replied that they had not."

Despite the 0% indication that yoga mats had efficacy, the researchers chose to take the tests further and subject the mats to direct acts of God's wrath. "One subject agreed to lie on his yoga mat to see if it would protect him from being consumed by a plague of 10 million locusts," said Professor Heit. "Unfortunately, his mat showed no ability to protect him from such an event. Another participant told us she often practices yoga on what she described as the ‘perfect mat' but was proven wrong when her mat failed to keep her from being utterly consumed by holy fire from the sky."

At publishing time, the study was deemed to be incomplete after a test involving the unleashing of the four horsemen of the apocalypse on a nearby village seemed to be delayed for reasons unknown.