British Teens Now Participate In School Social Dynamics From Noon To 9:45 PM

UNITED KINGDOM — Educators across the United Kingdom are hailing a new system aimed at softening the harmful social effects of smartphones on students by restricting their use to designated "tea time." This groundbreaking measure comes alongside a reform that limits teacher union demands to "only a biscuit," creating an unexpected alliance among all sides of the debate.

"It's become painfully clear since the smartphone explosion that kids engage in relentless cruelty when left to their own devices," said Charles Sims, Head Boys Schoolmaster at St. Bernard's School for Boys Aged 7-11. "Smartphones often create chaotic social dynamics that very few kids are equipped to handle — which is why here at SBS...A7-11, we've decided to limit access to personal, smart devices to tea time."

Sims went on to explain that the problem in America stems from a distinct lack of tea breaks, compounded by teachers grappling with classroom distractions caused by the alarming number of student-defiant biscuits, which must be replenished every two hours.

Under this new system, students are allowed to check their smartphones only between noon and 9:45 PM. During this window, they engage in their vibrant social lives, exchanging private messages like "Deym, ur lookin gourgeous todya" and "maths is not cool" followed by potato chip emojis—an entirely baffling language to anyone over the age of 15.

At publishing time, British educators discovered that the social dynamics during the tea hour were entirely predictable, safe, and generally described as "more of the same," proving once again that the only thing more stagnant than teenage social interactions is a cup of cold tea.