Tech Guru Launches Breakthrough 'No-Tech Retreat' to Uninstall Life

In a groundbreaking move rivaled only by the invention of the wheel, Silicon Valley’s top tech tycoon, Elon ZuckerGates, has announced the launch of the world’s first 'No-Tech Retreat' — a revolutionary concept where participants uninstall every piece of technology from their lives, including their toaster, to find true happiness.

ZuckerGates, who sold out arenas with his TED Talk 'Delete Yourself to Love Yourself', explains that the retreat will cost attendees a modest $20,000, the ballpark price of the new, much-hyped iPhone 47 Pro X, which he notes is ironically the first device they’ll be asked to 'ceremoniously obliterate upon arrival.'

The retreat promises a tech-free paradise where AI doesn’t suggest what you should do next and where humans can reconnect with their natural instincts, like face-to-face conversation. Rumor has it, some attendees even re-learned how to spell without autocorrect.

Attendees are treated to a 'Zen Diet' of kale sourced directly from the no-WiFi zones of organic farms. The gourmet centerpiece? Avocado toast on hand-made, digitally detoxed sourdough. The retreat's signature exercise class, featuring interpretive dances of software updates' loading wheels, is a crowd favorite.

Those who brave the weekend will receive a certificate with scam level encryption symbolizing a degree in archaic survival, proudly displayed next to the unused WiFi router that once tethered them to this mortal coil.

At publishing time, ZuckerGates announced an expansion of the concept to a 'Retro-Tech Oasis,' where forgotten relics like rotary phones and newspapers will serve as novelty beverages’ coasters.