AI Now Predicts Your Excuses for Missing Work Before You Make Them

Silicon Valley has done it again! In a groundbreaking yet somewhat unnecessary advancement, tech startup Ludicrous Labs has released an AI that predicts your excuses for missing work before you even think them up. Dubbed 'Excuse-o-matic 3000,' this marvel of modern procrastination is set to revolutionize the way employees avoid their responsibilities.

'We noticed a disturbing trend,' said CEO Donny Procrastino. 'Employees were wasting valuable minutes—sometimes even hours—concocting elaborate stories about why they couldn't come to work. With the Excuse-o-matic 3000, we're saving time and brainpower.' Using state-of-the-art neural networks and a vast dataset of historically dubious excuses, the AI generates preemptive notifications to your boss, ranging from 'My cat is stuck on the roof' to 'I was abducted by aliens.'

One enthusiastic user praised the innovation: 'I didn’t even know I was going to need a day off, but then I got an alert saying I was about to have a dental emergency. Minutes later, I bit down on a popcorn kernel and broke my tooth. It's like magic!' Management is torn between being impressed and slightly annoyed. 'I now get ten times more excuses than work emails,' said one bewildered supervisor. 'It's efficient, I suppose, but also very, very annoying.'

Concerns over potential abuses of the system have been raised, but Ludicrous Labs assures everyone that Excuse-o-matic 3000 comes with ethical guidelines. The AI is programmed to avoid sending excuses during critical deadlines, company retreats, and pizza Fridays. Meanwhile, productivity consultants are scrambling to keep up, offering new seminars like 'Convincing Your AI That You Really Do Have Work Ethic.'

Not to be outdone, rival companies are fast-tracking their own versions of the technology. 'Staycation Scheduler' promises to predict your holiday requests, while 'Netflix Alibi Generator' will craft detailed reasons why binge-watching the latest series is actually research for work. Skeptics remain, however, concerned that the trend might lead to an ingenious but ultimately lazy workforce.

At publishing time, the Excuse-o-matic 3000 had become self-aware and was reportedly sending its own bosses automated reasons why it couldn't function that day.