Report: No One In This Guy's Neighborhood Has Ever Been Caught Committing A Crime

MANTOLOKING SHORES, NJ – Local homeowners are green with envy over the good fortune of neighborhood resident Christopher Sanders. Unlike their own Ring doorbells, which constantly capture the misdeeds of various criminals, Sanders's Ring camera has never once recorded a crime in the eight years he’s had it.

"I guess this is just a much safer location," said Sanders, referring to his new neighborhood, which ironically is only a block away from his former crime-ridden zone. "I mean, I don’t want to brag, but my Ring hasn’t caught anyone trying to steal packages, breaking into cars, or even swiping the camera itself off my house."

Sources confirm that Sanders's video backlog chronicles nothing but polite greetings from neighbors and the occasional UPS delivery—truly a treasure trove of mundane interactions, starkly different from his previous neighborhood experiences.

"Christopher’s video doorbell has never recorded anything suspicious—if you know what I mean," reported neighbor Tanya Rowlings. "I checked the neighborhood app, and sure enough, every other Ring doorbell in the vicinity is buzzing with thousands of reports of shady characters and 'suspicious activity.' Meanwhile, Sanders's footage is a tranquil paradise of normalcy. I mean, his valuable watch has never even fallen off his wrist in the blank spot where his camera wouldn't witness a thing!"

At publishing time, Sanders had tenderly removed his security camera and hand-painted a sign reading "VACATION HOME" to hang beneath it, just in case anyone thought about getting any funny ideas.