Apple Announces New Keyboard With Hall Effect That Will Still Break In 6 Months

CUPERTINO, CA — Apple held a special press event today revealing several new products, including an innovative keyboard featuring state-of-the-art hall effect keys that are guaranteed to stop working in just six months.

"Here at Apple, we thrive on pushing the boundaries of keyboard technology," said CEO Tim Cook. "Introducing an all-new typing experience that will provide you with a few glorious minutes of solid use before you’re left cursing your laptop because the 'B' and 'D' keys have decided to ghost on you. Aren't we fabulous?"

The announcement was met with roaring applause from the adoring crowd, who seemed blissfully unaware of their impending keyboard woes.

Experts agree that hall effect keys boast ideal precision typing, all while providing Apple an advanced, albeit familiar, means of malfunctioning due to the tiniest speck of dust that no changeling could ever hope to clean. "We know key failures have frustrated some of our users in the past," Cook continued. "But with these hall effect keys, we guarantee a toasty-warm buttery typing sensation and the same fantastic Apple engineering failures you know and love—minus the pesky class-action lawsuits! It’s truly a win-win!"

At publishing time, millions of devoted Apple customers were rushing to stores, ready to fork over more than $2,000 for a sleek new laptop, blissfully unaware that their keys would soon perform a frustrating double-register, leaving every sentence they compose looking as though it was written by a mentally challenged dolphin.