Signal Celebrates 10th Anniversary By Releasing All User Conversations To The Public

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — According to sources within the technology sector, the encrypted chat platform known as Signal is celebrating its 10th anniversary by releasing all user conversations to the public.

Users were taken by surprise when they logged into the app this morning and noticed the new "Beta" label on the familiar logo. The shock quickly became horror as they learned all user messages are now openly available to the public in celebration of Signal's 10 years of existence. "Uh…I never thought I'd read my wife's messages to her personal trainer, but I'm beginning to suspect…yikes," said avid Signal user Nathan McMullan. "In retrospect, naming the new version of Signal ‘Beta' should have been a dead giveaway that this would happen. Should've seen it coming. Oh well."

Organizations ranging from the European Union to the White House were also unhappy to learn their private chats were now open for public browsing. "This is an outrage!" EU President Ursula von der Leyen said. "At least with our official documents, we can just claim they're ‘lost' or something. Sadly, there will be no way to obfuscate Victorian-style ‘sexting' with President Biden in the Signal logs."

For their part, Signal representatives were quick to respond to critics. "Look, this is just who Signal is now," said Signal President Meredith Whittaker. "If you don't like it, why don't you just wait several weeks without saying anything and then return? That type of behavior indicates that you have absolutely no problem with the platform."

At publishing time, Zuckerberg reportedly began work on a large brand-damaging exposé based on information gleaned from Mark Zuckerberg's signal messages.