“At Least The Internet Outage Means I Can Focus On My Relationship,” Says Man Staring at Router Lights

DALLAS, TX — With an unexpected internet outage granting him a rare afternoon free of distractions, local man Percy Babbadabbadoo tried to focus on his relationship with his wife. However, hours later he found himself staring blankly into space, yearning for the return of his beloved Wi-Fi.

"Why did we decide to pay for this trash service again?" he lamented, having endured several hours of what he referred to as 'contentless purgatory' while awkwardly attempting to engage with his wife. "I know there’s plenty I could learn about her when I’m not glued to a screen, but... ehhh..."

In a statement, Spectrum customer service representatives expressed their commitment to restoring service so that Mr. Babbadabbadoo could return to his natural habitat—his couch, binge-watching shows and avoiding eye contact with his family.

"We deeply apologize for any inconvenience related to your attempts at real interpersonal connections," said customer service rep Skyler Grubbenpop. "We are working hard to restore service so you can go back to your screens, where it’s safe and cozy."

At publishing time, internet service had been restored, rescuing Mr. Babbadabbadoo from the harrowing prospect of learning more about his wife’s hobbies, interests, likes, and—heaven forbid—dislikes.