mRNA Flu Vaccine: Just a Sledgehammer to the Head to Save You From Flu Suffering

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Moderna has announced a groundbreaking new mRNA flu vaccine that aims to revolutionize medicine by eliminating any chance of flu — by quite literally knocking you out with a sledgehammer to the head.

"Our new mRNA flu vaccine underscores our commitment to reimagining healthcare by ensuring you don’t experience the flu anymore—ever," said CEO Ravijna Bonkappapap Mukagarkogoodgaga. "Swing by your local Walmart clinic for a quick injection and, in seconds, you’ll be experiencing a permanent flu-free life, thanks to a swift bonk on the noggin!"

The company has even pledged to supply doses to nations in need—totally free, as long as there are sufficient bricks on hand and someone ready to do the job.

Health experts say the new flu vaccine boasts a 100% effectiveness rate, is safe, and carries environmental benefits by effectively reducing overpopulation while preventing the spread of those pesky flu germs.

At publishing time, Dr. Fauci had eagerly volunteered for the first dose, making headlines as the first person to receive Moderna’s latest life-saving (or rather, life-ending) mRNA creation.