Man Bitten On Foreskin By Missouri Tick Relieved To Discover He Just Has Lyme Disease

SPRINGFIELD, MO — Legions of people who enjoy spending time in the great outdoors will tell you that ticks are an unfortunate drawback to being in the woods. Ticks are responsible for a host of different diseases and ailments that can be transmitted to humans, including Lyme Disease and something called a "red meat allergy."

Kevin Bernson of Springfield, Missouri encountered a tick last week in a most unfortunate place: his foreskin.

Ticks may be drawn to warm, moist areas to bite, but what on earth made this tick want to shimmy under Kevin's foreskin remains a mystery.

We reached out to Kevin for comment: "I was at the park with my family," Kevin explains. "I had no idea there was a tick there until I offered up my foreskin." Bernson continued, "I ended up finding that lil' feller myself. Something wasn't right with my foremdn later on, so I took a swig of Red Bull, popped a few Tylenol, and uncapped it for a look."

Kevin described what he saw on the inside of his foreskin as "swollen and quite engorged," complete with redness and a "glistening shine" that Kevin never gets tired of seeing.

"After a little time went by, I eventually found the tick," Bernson said. "It was engorged with blood and currently embedded in my inner prepuce layer (mucosa), resting against my glans."

When asked if he was worried about any diseases that might have been transmitted by the tick, Kevin answered, "Some," before explaining, "At the end of the day I just figured I'd carry on and see if anything happens."

It wasn't long before "something happened."

"I got a bad rash on my body," Kevin explained, "and I felt weak and exhausted. Headaches too."

At his wife's insistence, Kevin went to the doctor for answers.

Asked if he had any recent tick bites, Kevin says he answered the doctor, "How much time you got?" which resulted in a lengthy and detailed account of how his foreskin captured and killed a tick.

Upon hearing Kevin's report, the doctor ordered some tests typically used to detect Lyme Disease, as well as a few others for more serious afflictions such as Ehrlichiosis and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.

When all the tests came back negative except the one for Lyme Disease, Kevin says he felt "relieved."

Kevin told us why he wasn't worried about Lyme Disease; "It's fairly common in these parts and easily treated. I'd rather have that than some of the scarier things associated with tick bites."

Kevin told us that he harbors no ill will toward his foreskin, but would "dearly love to watch the son-of-a-bitch burst into flames and turn to ash," due to an existing love/hate relationship that began nearly 40 years ago.

"I recently was at a park with my wife and she dared me to see if I could convince myself that I was an uncircumcised male, which I am not," Bernson said. "I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but long story short, I dominated the fucking dare." Kevin listed 'lack of cosmopolitan air' and having to fully rely on himself as just a couple of the challenges that he had to overcome in order for the dare to be considered a success.

In any case, we are happy to hear that Kevin will recover quickly and fully.

We wish him the best.