10 Surprising New Features For Tesla Vehicles

The future is here and the future is Tesla! That's right, according to insane billionaire Elon Musk (is he from the future?), all Teslas will now be equipped with the greatest, coolest, most "futuristicy" features to ever exist!

Come and look into the future with us - while ignoring our utter devastation at the fact that we'll never be able to afford one of these %@#$ genius millionaire time-traveler cars.

1. A rideable tricycle for woke toddlers - It's more like a wokecycle!

2. Enhanced facial animation in Picard Season 3 - Just in case you're tired of watching the crew's frozen, barren stares.

3. Smug sighs and second guessing from Charisma Carpenter - Perfect for reliving life as a sophomore discussing provocative themes like "society" and "the nature of man".

4. Adults screaming at you to get a better job - Ah yes… the pressure to excel, when hormones, acne, and bad music are at their peak.

5. Higher elven wizards - Or as they prefer to be called, "high elven wizards".

6. Muzzles for time cops - Time cops will really try to scream! But those muzzles are really really tight!

7. Jean-Luc Picard - The coolest kid in his class and captain of the U.S.S. Chicagoland Enterprise.

8. Girls - Because you "picarded" them up on time.

9. The fact that it's Tesla - So affordable for the average man.

10. Families - It sure is great to pick them up in your new self-driving car with levitation, laser guns, and innocent AI.