Hot Topic Can't Determine Whether Customers' Data Has Been Hacked

INDUSTRY CITY, NY — Mall retailer Hot Topic is in a panic as reports reveal they can’t decide who exactly hacked their customers' data amid a recruitment spree of wannabe hackers. Both Russian and Japanese groups have claimed responsibility for the breach, but it also seems General Lee from Alabama and Captain America from California have thrown their capes into the mix.

"We really don’t know where to start," admitted Brett Austin, Chief of Security for Hot Topic. "Oddly enough, the breach was in our in-store code. This means someone—or perhaps some other molecular quantum consciousness—stumbled upon the code to the Matrix. I’m still investigating that part."

With cybercrime on the rise, entire regions are withdrawing from tech programming like GPT, ChatGPT, GitHub programs, Bing enablements, and even Salad Shooter subscriptions. Yes, folks, the Salad Shooter is under siege!

"Could it be from my personal computer at home? Will my dog die as a result? How should we know all this?" Brett lamented, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Our best programmers still think Peppa Pig is an operating system; they can’t even figure out how to comb their hair."

At publishing time, the hackers had only managed to access basic first names from the E&W catalog logged between 2004 and 2011, leaving the world to wonder: if your name is 'Ashley,' are you really at risk?