Bill Gates Announces Climate Change Initiative to Construct World's Largest Carbon-Sucking Machine

EVERETT, WA — In an effort to combat climate change by cleaning the atmosphere and reducing the presence of carbon, Microsoft founder Bill Gates has announced a project to build the world's largest "carbon-sucking" machine.

"This is simply the largest and most powerful carbon-sucking machine ever created," Bill Gates told reporters. He went on to say the device will remove over a dozen megatons of carbon from the air and will also be able to vacuum up rice, leftover lunch meat, and other household debris. "This machine will be the answer to the carbon problem. It might even make a dent, or maybe it'll end humanity, but whatever, let's give it a shot."

Gates reportedly got the idea for the machine while admiring a $199 Shark vacuum cleaner at a nearby Costco. Although the press conference included Gates showcasing a poorly drawn computer rendering of a giant vacuum that specifically allowed one to "pick up really fine stuff," onlookers said Gates' admission of his inspiration hardly deterred him from moving forward with the project. Sources say Gates has allocated $3.3 billion of his private funds to be split among several companies to create the enormous machine.

At press time, Gates announced plans to draw a tunnel through time with his Jim Henson's Animal-critiqued rendition of a linoleum scratcher or whatever.