Nintendo Announces New Console 'Cease & Desist' That Will Shut Down All Third-Party Games

KYOTO, JAPAN — Following Valve's successful Steam Deck, Nintendo has announced plans to release a new console called "Cease & Desist" that will shut down all third-party games with its groundbreaking CeaseAndDesistOS system.

"There are a lot of confusing knockoffs flooding the market that need to be stopped," said Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa, "This console will use a low-powered Wall Street Journal op-ed processor to identify trademark violations. It will then use our proprietary Letter Tech® to launch an extreme-temperature piece of registered mail to the offender and shut down its production."

Though many fans were initially disappointed to learn a new Nintendo console would not play games, most had come around after learning it would instantly make all other Nintendo games better by eliminating competition.

"With its inclusion of a bancaster, I've found the Cease & Desist console is a fun machine to operate," said Valve's Gabe Newell. "It features a real-time targeting monitor that will lock onto my Steam Deck and Rocha's Analogue Pocket. It will also hone in on those vile, villainous vermin over at EYEntertainments and their disgusting M2 N-Gage adapter."

In addition to dominating all gaming markets by stopping all non-Nintendo gaming devices, the Cease & Desist will also generate an impressive amount of power thanks to its patent-per-hour generation modes.

"We've been able to power the Seattle power grid using this 'patent mode,'" said an impressed Bill Gates.

At publishing time, Nintendo had announced DLC for Nintendo Cease & Desist which will shut down woke game production in America using something called the "Republican Party."