Apple Ordered to Revise Instruction Manual on New iPhone to Exclude ‘Try Throwing It on the Ground’ as a Troubleshooting Step

CUPERTINO, CA — In a shocking development, Apple Inc. has been compelled to update its instruction manual following a flood of complaints from consumers whose iPhones met an untimely, shattered fate after attempting the recommended troubleshooting step: 'If your iPhone doesn't work, try throwing it on the ground.'

'At Apple, we constantly strive for excellence,' stated Alan Turing, Senior Vice President of World Domination, in a press conference. 'We deeply regret the error and want to assure our customers that we never intended for any of them to break their expensive phones.'

The updated manual comes on the heels of a detailed product testing report by Consumer Reports, which involved, somewhat humorously, tossing the phones onto the ground. After the results revealed a startling number of shattered devices, Apple customer service representatives were overwhelmed with calls as irritated users reported that their iPhones were, contrary to popular belief, not indestructible.

Internal documents unearthed in federal court revealed that none other than Steve Jobs himself had suggested throwing faulty iPhones on the ground. 'Hey guys, there's a million phones out there — just throw the little piece of sh*t on the ground, and you're good to go,' the document purportedly quoted Jobs.

Reports have now surfaced indicating that customers who implemented the now-infamous troubleshooting method found their phones functioning normally — but also discovered that over 90% of these devices ended up terribly broken. 'This won’t stand,' exclaimed a visibly distressed Tim Apple, struggling to maintain composure. 'Phone functionality is one thing, but if there's one thing we at Apple care about most, it’s our customers not ruining our multi-hundred-dollar products.'

At publishing time, Apple had begun replacing the shattered iPhones with Samsung models, repeatedly slapping itself in the face and mumbling, 'Bad Apple! Bad Apple!'