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New Trump Watch Mysteriously Fails To Steal Ship Blueprints

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LANSING, MI — It was a highly publicized event that had the world on the edge of its seat, but the new Trump Watch mysteriously failed to function as intended.

"I bought one of these new Trump Watches to steal ship plans for the Russians, but I guess it doesn't work as advertised," complained local man Alex Demarco as he slammed the watch down on a table in disgust. "The manual clearly states I should be able to swipe this watch across my forehead and access the blueprints for the USS Michigan. Now I'm stuck under a white tarp, pondering what a 'six hundred-pound tango' could possibly mean. What a ripoff!"

Critics argued that Demarco's issue was due to his own shortcomings, insisting that the Trump Watch was not designed for simpletons. "To operate the Trump Watch as intended," said one expert, "you need the intellectual depth of a five-star general or Donald Trump himself. Only someone with such keen insight could ever understand the profound mechanics of our nation's most dangerous technology."

At publishing time, Mr. Demarco had considered purchasing a MyPillow but ultimately found the instructions too complicated and decided against it.

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